I apologize..

for all the times i went "Gosh, why are that actor/actress sprouting rubbish? What was the scriptwriter thinking?!", "Why are they airing these kind of boring show?", "I can write a wayyyyyyy better script than that!"etc because you will never know how hard it is to write a script for the electronic media until you have to write a 30 minutes script for the pilot series of a book. fml for the coming two weeks

of three years ago

i remember there were once in my life when i kept ranting on and on about how love hurts and how much i had been wounded in relationships and sorts. it was about three years ago and eventually i grew out of that long and self-deprecating phase but even then i never really let myself immerse in unnecessary feelings anymore. i barricaded my emotions and steeled myself from having feelings that will eventually become the ruin of me.

i thought i would happier that way but i was wrong because after all the efforts and years it took me to mould myself to be who i thought i should be i was not any happier than i was before. i was even more confused and upset and so i played the blame game; i blame it on love and then i blamed myself for falling for the wrong guy(s) but it was not until recently that i realized i am to be blamed but it was not for the reason that i thought it was.

i did not fall for the wrong guy(s) because i realize that i didn't fall for them at all.

three years ago was one of the most difficult phase in my life. i was faced with one problem after another challenge and being the female that i was, i latched on the the nearest life saving buoy: knight in shining armor. i deluded myself into liking people whom i thought would be able to lift me up from all the loneliness and rejection that i was feeling and needless to say i was wrong and it's no wonder that none of those 'relationships' work out.

i thought i like them but the truth is i like the idea of them or specifically i like the idea of love. it was childish and very damsel-in-distress-like of me to do so but i would never reprimand myself for doing so because i did what i have to do. it was wrong of me but unless you're in my shoes you would not understand all that i have been through.

i don't exactly know why i'm justifying my actions here. maybe its because i feel the need to tell someone/everyone or maybe its just the need to admit my mistake publicly so that i wouldn't repeat what i've done.

but what i know for sure is that: after countless of depression that I've sunk into and millions of self-doubts that i've been through i have finally gone through that phase. yes, i still have moments when i doubt myself and moments when i'm not happy but these moments are getting lesser and less frequent in between.

i'm still sporting the scars and wound from that phase; scars and wounds that would never fully heal but would always be there to show me what i've been through and to keep me strong.