Once upon a time

Once upon a time there was a girl. She was a girl who had always deemed herself to be independent, daring and impulsive. She does things that just pop up in her head. She used to follow her heart without fearing the consequences. That was until growing up happened. She grew up from the little girl who does everything and anything she wishes to to become a teen that fear of everything. She no longer follow her heart anymore instead she let reasons and rational gets the better of her. She still dreams of freedom of course but a dream will always be somewhat a dream, no? She is afraid of whom she is turning to be but she’s more terrified of coming out of her comfort zone. She is afraid that life will pass her by and yet she’s terrified of leaping into life as it is. She is afraid of so many things nowadays but what she feared the most is what if she will never ever be who she was anymore even if she tried. Then what? Is this what growing up is, she mused. If it is then she wishes she never did grow up. She wishes she was still the little girl of five who dared to do anything she wishes to. Someone wise once told her that "you can still be who you were if you would just let go and live life as it is." Can she? Will she really be able to let go of all the insecurities of life and just live? This is not a fairytale instead this is just a tale of an ordinary girl who is afraid to live her life. A life that has ended the moment she grew up.

de pousser les gens loin

sometimes i wonder if i'm pushing people who matters away deliberately just to test their boundaries. to see if they will still stand by me no matter what. its crazy i know but its the only way for me to learn to trust again although its terribly lonely a route to take alone.

Ecstasy of mine

Ian Harding / Ezra Fitz ♥

friendship perhaps?

If she was presented with this opportunity before these she would have ravish it without second thoughts. Grab it with both of her hands and never let it go until she was bored with it but that was a lifetime ago. A time where she had been the old her ; the old her which had hurt many people along the way because of her selfish need and because of her fear of being alone. But she had learnt from her mistake, taking this opportunity will not make her happy, it just satiate her fear momentarily till the cold hard truth slammed her hard again, or, frankly speaking till her attention span was soaked with enough to last her for some time then she would go and break another heart in the same old way. She is tired of going around doing things that she will definitely regret later on but she was so afraid that she wouldn’t find that someone who would take her breath away. She is terrified that what if she has mistaken affection from friendliness? What if she had just wanted someone and not anyone in particular? What if she was to break his heart and ruin the friendship in between? And the biggest what if of all if she was to open her heart for real and risk being wounded again by the same old reason? With so much at risk, she decided she would pretend that nothing had tugged her heart in the first place. That what happened that day was just being in the right place at the right time. Nothing more and nothing less from a pure and sincere friendship.

Have your pick

I write to give myself strength. I write to be the characters that I am not. I write to explore all the things I’m afraid of.