the two links

george carlin once quoted that inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist and now sitting here, at nearly 3am in the morning, typing this entry i wonder if this idealist is me? had i been so severely disappointed by life that it had jaded my views on it? or did my virgo instinct compounded by my perfectionist nature and mercurial attitude kick in during inopportune time to mold me into this person who is constantly critical of the motives of others? the reason behind this post is that i've just watched chris medina's audition for ai (its more than a tad too late) and read about xiaxue's love story (also about two years too late) and pondered about being too cynical in my views of life and love. both scenarios portray love story that are too good to be true — stories that one might have thought that they were being fabricated from one of disney's many fairytales, easily found in fictions but never in reality.

one is of a guy who stood by his fiancee through thick and thin and till death do us part; a guy who choose to sticks around with his fiancee who suffered from traumatic brain injury, miraculously survive and yet stands a slim chance of being who she was before instead of fleeing at the earliest chance to find the next love of his life; a guy who some says define what love really is. and the latter is of a guy who risks everything he has to travel and finally settles down across the globe for a girl whom he stumbled upon on the net. i'm not going to lie and say that these stories do not touch me because if it don't then there wouldnt be this post at all but neither am i going to make a big confession and proclaim that they changed my cynical view that this world is not monochrome but filled with rainbow colours of joy because it didn't.

because seriously how many people out there, notwithstanding genders, are willing to do what these two people did? how many so-called 'true love' out there can still actually stand strong in spite of the inevitable hardships, obstacles, difficulties and such? : not many.

truth to be told, i'm still a lil too bemused to sort through the jumble of emotions and thoughts of mine to search for the real reason behind this post, but through the sleepiness that's fogging through my brain and my eyelids that are threatening to shut down any time soon, one reason that i can only think of now is that this post is solely for my own benefit for who knows maybe ten/twenty years from now this post can be use to either support or refute my cynical sentiments.

To begin again

to be endow with the sense of mercurial is a curse because you will never be content; not because you don't want to but because everything in you changes so often that your sense of contentment will never lasts; your feeling of happiness and belonging alter so quickly that you're so often left with a feeling of void that you're constantly searching for something that's always elusive to you; something that will perpetually be slipping from your grip time after time.

Home is where the heart is

8 things i realized/rediscovered about myself while packing:

• i always thought that i started writing when i was 16 but then i discovered this red and purple notebook hidden between junks of mine that told me otherwise; it seems that i started writing when i was seven; it was a crappy love story centered between two sisters and a guy and amazingly it was written in bm.
• i have various ambitions; when i was 7 i wanted to be a nurse then i wanted to be a police or a teacher. then i envisage myself as a lawyer and up until f3, i had wanted to be either a lawyer or a photographer.
• i used to write diaries like nobody's business up until i was fourteen and gosh rereading what you wrote daily when you're a mere child/infatuated teen is so damn embarrassing. also my english were horrible; the spelling, the grammar etc. it also reminds me who i used to be before things happened.
• i have more clothes than one could ask for and yet i don't have anything to wear.
• i used to be a BIG fan of taiwanese drama; as in those sappy love stories which more or less have the same story line but different casts. and i actually collects newspaper cuttings, badges, stickers and posters of my favorite drama.i don't know when i stopped watching them but the only taiwanese drama I watched nowadays are the long winded hokkien drama which have different story line but same casts (the irony!).
• ten years of my life could be packed up in only five boxes and three of 'em are filled with books.
• i'm definitely a girly girl when i was young. i used to love pink and barbie doll. i have about eleven to twelve barbie dolls and tons of barbie doll merchandises. i remember that up until i was eleven, whenever i scored academically i would ask for a new barbie doll. i even attended barbie's birthday in 1u once. unfortunately i gave them all away for this move. i had wanted to keep one but i just couldn't pick one and i feel unfair for the rest that i have to give away so in the end i gave up all of them.
• amazingly after spending ten years of my life living there i don't miss the house but the people whom i would be leaving behind.

Djr1 Sem2

I'm finally done with my semester 2 as of yesterday and i shall summarize my finals as a reminder to never ever slack again next semester (oh how i wish).

• Tamadun Islam dan Asia

I totally 100% did not study much for this subject. Granted that this paper was on new year's eve and that i was doing last minute preparation to move then but that's a flimsy excuse to use to mask my procrastination. i was supposed to sit for the paper at 9am but i only started to study for it at 4am the same morning and even then it was not exactly studying because i was playing games also. i really hope that my coursework marks will not be wasted because of this.

• English for Communication

Well I think I did adequately for this paper although i did a teeny-weeny mistake in my letter.

• Mass Media and Society

Among all the other subject minus english, i think that this is the paper which i did not slack as much as the others. note that i said 'as much as the others' because i did slack while studying for this paper just not as much games or reading.

• Intorduction to Human Communication

This is the paper that made me want to cry when I think about it and i'm not just saying it figuratively because i was really disappointed with myself. on a scale of 1-10 on slacking, i did a pretty impressive 100. i had about two days to study for this but i spent one and half day of it playing games on my phone and the thing was, this paper was quite easy so i literally did myself in for this one.

• Writing for Electronic Media

I slack a lot for this paper too, only really started studying for it the night before the exam, however, i think i did all right for this as we were given guidelines. the only thing i'm worried about is that my coursework marks for this subject was not very satisfactory.

when i first started this semester, i really really wanted to get a 4.00 cgpa and i was determined to do it too at first but after a while everything starts to deteriorate. i was getting lazier, more laid back and less motivated; my coursework marks was not as good as compared to the first semester and not what i had expected too; my finals were also more screwed up as usual as i was totally diverted from studying. the good thing that came out from this semester was that some of the subjects were more interesting and that the assignments were much more fun. in this another fourteen weeks semester, i learned about human communication (which was really riveting), was assigned to write a 30 minutes tv script based on a book of our choice (which got me addicted to house of night and i'm so proud of my baby!), had to analyse movie conversation (which help me to relive my childhood again with mulan) and i got to see how tv and radio station works by visiting RTM for a course trip. all in all this was an okay semester but i hope to do better with drama and electronic publishing next semester. till then i'm just going to enjoy my semester break.

The first dinner

Up until 45 minutes ago, I was supposed to dedicate my first post of the year to something huge and interesting but then something changed my mind: I had my first family dinner in 18 years. Let me explain this vague but shockful statement. My family never really had proper family dinner everyday and what I mean by proper is that we never sit down together to have a meal unless it was for Chinese New Year's reunion dinner which was once a year. Due to circumstances like working hours and the desire to watch television, we usually pile our plates with food then proceed to the living room and have our dinner on the couch with our eyes glued to the tv, with the exception of my mom. So to come downstairs today to see that the table had been set up and to have my very first proper family dinner, I was a little overwhelm. In 2011, I never had many family meals due to the fact that I was working like a workaholic for the first quarter of the year and then spend the weekdays of the other three quarter of a year staying at hostel. My mom don't cook on the weekends and usually every friday, the day which I usually got back from hostel, she usually cooks simple dishes like fried rice or fried noodles and for me, that doesn't actually account as a proper meal. This is actually a very mundane post but I can't help but want to pen it down. A simple home cook meal of three dishes and a soup might not mean a lot to one but to me it is significant because it reminds me that family does matter even if that family is kinda dysfunctional most of the time. I believe 2012 is going to be a good year.