Aligned

On many, long arduous, days in a year,
we are planets orbiting on our own solitary axis,
parallel lines that never intersect.

Shadows that linger in your peripheral
but never in sight.

So afraid I am
that we will burn out
like the stars that once shimmer so bright.

Or be sucked
into this black-hole of a life,
drifting aimlessly in this space of time.

Forever lost to one another,
becoming those who used to be.

That it gnaws at me,
eating me away,
til I have forgotten

how the moon is always there,
even if our mere eyes are fooled
by the blinding light of the sun.

How each time we meet,
sparks still fly,
and conversations freely flow.

Because meet we might not always,
but aligned we always will.

Love you guys,xox.

A rock of trust

It was exhilarating to be on top of the world - to be so high up on your own that one can actually revel in the beauty of heights despite the sweaty palms and the occasional "What if I slip and die?" question popping up now and then. It was a feeling that I definitely basked in until I realized that I have to get back down, not by climbing, but by putting my life in the hands of someone else; to trust my life on that rope that was connected between me and that person. That was when I know that I'm screwed several feet above the ground because I just couldn't let go of the artificial boulder of rocks that I'm holding my dear life on and that no one would be there to help me down but myself and the knots of rope around my waist that I was staring dubiously at.

And that was how my virginal experience with rock climbing was.

Indoor Rock Climbing at Camp 5, 1 Utama

Rock climbing has always been one of the many things in my bucket list and despite several planning to do it over the years, me and my buds just never seem to be able to materialize on our promise to do it until last Friday. To reimburse ourselves for the plethora of disappointment that we felt on our failed trip to Penang, we went for the rock climbing taster session, a short night out at Solaris Mont Kiara and finally a sleepover at K's house. It didn't exactly make up for the trip that I had been longing for but it feels really good to catch up with my two best friends.

Rock climbing; a sport that I had always deem to be easy to handle because I mean 'All you have to do is just climb some rocks, how hard will that be?" Well, I got my answer last friday: very hard. It might look easy but to latch your whole body weight on to your hand while defying gravity to climb several feet above ground is no simple task at all. Especially when the only thing that is standing between you and falling is the artificial rock that you're holding on to. Oh, and did I mention that most of those artificial rocks are tiny and in certain places, they are few and far apart which means that you have to literally go spiderman on them (pls do ignore my bad metaphor)

The worst part for me would be the part where I have to get down. Being in the taster session means that we have a coach with us during the whole session. He/she would be there to guide and teach you. Basically when you climb, you will be connected to your coach through the rope that is tied between your harness and him/her so when you need to get down, all you have to do is to bend your leg in an 'L' shape, release your hand from the rock, relax and trust your coach to guide you down. It sounds simple, right? NO. Because when you're really up there and you are asked to let go of the only thing that is stopping you from falling down, you will find yourself unable to let go even when you're repeatedly told to.

I remember vividly the first time that I have to get down; I was instructed to do according to the said instruction but no matter how much I was coaxed by the others and myself to just let go and trust him (the coach), I couldn't. Not because I don't want to but because I just can't do it. I just couldn't put that much trust into someone else that I have just meet less than an hour ago even when I'm repeatedly told that he wouldn't fuck around with my life. Eventually, I did get down but it by no means meant that I have gotten over my fear of letting go and trusting someone else. It will take time and a lot of effort but I don't think so I'm giving up on rock climbing anytime soon because this is definitely one of the few sports that I enjoy.

P.s: Rock climbing is definitely not for the faint hearted or one with acrophobia.

The first dinner

Up until 45 minutes ago, I was supposed to dedicate my first post of the year to something huge and interesting but then something changed my mind: I had my first family dinner in 18 years. Let me explain this vague but shockful statement. My family never really had proper family dinner everyday and what I mean by proper is that we never sit down together to have a meal unless it was for Chinese New Year's reunion dinner which was once a year. Due to circumstances like working hours and the desire to watch television, we usually pile our plates with food then proceed to the living room and have our dinner on the couch with our eyes glued to the tv, with the exception of my mom. So to come downstairs today to see that the table had been set up and to have my very first proper family dinner, I was a little overwhelm. In 2011, I never had many family meals due to the fact that I was working like a workaholic for the first quarter of the year and then spend the weekdays of the other three quarter of a year staying at hostel. My mom don't cook on the weekends and usually every friday, the day which I usually got back from hostel, she usually cooks simple dishes like fried rice or fried noodles and for me, that doesn't actually account as a proper meal. This is actually a very mundane post but I can't help but want to pen it down. A simple home cook meal of three dishes and a soup might not mean a lot to one but to me it is significant because it reminds me that family does matter even if that family is kinda dysfunctional most of the time. I believe 2012 is going to be a good year.

Five minutes

And so there I was, sitting on an old worn chair in the bank clutching my bag in one hand while fervently turning the pages of my book of the moment when suddenly someone clutches my right hand and commanded my attention. I figured she is in her sixties; with her wrinkled face, almost-white hair and freckles sprinkled all over her hand and face.

I plastered a smile on my face and answered her questions as accurately as I could in my broken cantonese and being the elderly that she is, she continued to ramble on and on to me about her husband who was scouring for an empty parking space outside and how the parking space there are always congested, I agreed with her and gave her an appropriate reply although it was my first time in that area

After giving her a few more appropriate responses to her monologue she fell quiet beside me, waiting for the husband of hers. Albeit already being given the permission to go back to my book by her silent consent I did not do so for she had managed to arrest my attention so I studied her instead. It was then that I realized that she had the same hair as her - the short perm hair and though she was a tad bigger in size and does not smelled of the heavy-flowery perfume that she usually adorned, I'm reminded of her.

How long has it been now? Four months? Five months?

Somehow I've lost count of the days that she has been gone from our life. It is distressing to say this but life has move on without her. And this sadden me the most; how life does not stop for anyone. How one person who used to mean so much to you - and still does- can be so easily forgotten in the midst of going through everyday life. How once you stop being real - flesh and blood- you're deemed to be non-existent albeit being solidly carved into the memory tablet.

Thus, I stifled the urge to move across the room to look for that friend of mine and relish the moment of sitting beside this old lady. She might be a poor substitute for her but for a moment or two there I almost forgot that she wasn't in our life anymore. For that short five minutes, by some means, I had managed to convince myself that the lady sitting beside me is indeed her.

I'm not saying that I miss her so terribly that I broke into tears right then and there because I didn't. I'm not saying that I would give anything to have her back because I have finally accepted the fact that she's better over there than staying here and suffer from her stroke.

All I'm saying is that for that five minutes, I was content beyond reasons.

And when I leave the bank a whole twenty minutes later after helping the said old lady in her transaction, mainly because of the language barrier between her and the banker, for once in many many long and depressing months I felt that the world isn't that bad after all

♥ Je les aime

I love your; my quirky colleagues of three and a half month. There might be times when your annoyed the hell out of me but there are also many a time when I had tremendous fun and laughter with your; uncountable fun as we walk the floor, non stop chattering away when we were supposed to drag in, intercom-ing when its time for us to make phone call, going for late night supper after close out, karaoke, dinner, Movida and also my farewell. We have been through thick and thin and it’s really hard for me not to miss the times we had together. All of your treated me like a little sister, teaching me all I have to know about work and life in general. I'm forever grateful that I had chosen this job or maybe this job had chosen me instead. Either way, as clichéd as it may sound all my times working with you guys will be forever etched in me.

A pocketful of regret

Dear Ahma,

You were realistic and selfish even toward your own kin's; you were calculative and had done so many things that never would one imagine a mother would do. You had so many people despising you and frankly speaking I had grown up hating you until one point of my life when I had learned to love you instead. Yes you might not be the best grandmother around, heck you're not even an ordinary one to start with and you are definitely not the type of grandmother that I wish I had but I never wanted to lose you and definitely not this quick. Looking at you lying motionlessly on that bed I tried so hard to recall the last time I actually spoke to you and realize that it was a month ago and the words you told me was, "Bye. Come again next week," and I had nodded my head vehemently although I knew that I wasn't going to see you the week after because I would be working. I consistently blame you for not being the grandmother that I wanted but was I ever a good granddaughter to you? You took care of me when I stayed at your house and in return what have I ever done for you? I promised to take you out for dinner after I got my first salary but in the endless cycle of working and spending money on unnecessary things I never managed to do that. Even when you were admitted to hospital I only manage to visit you once and the moment I saw you suffering from stroke I couldn't even muster my courage to call you ahma because I was afraid that I would break down and now I wouldn't have the chance to call you anymore in the future; I wouldn't have the chance to tell you that I'm doing well in my studies; I wouldn't have the chance to bring my special one home for you to inspect and criticize; I wouldn't have a chance to be filial to you anymore because all I have is the regret that I wasn't good enough to you when you were still alive.

From:

Me