Inventing shadows

As a musician, you don’t come to L.A. to be comfortable. You come to L.A. to be uncomfortable, because that’s the most comfortable feeling in the world to us. — Meg F.

I'm not musically inclined (one reason being that I believe I'm tone deaf) but the words/quote/wise saying above somehow in one way or another reached out to me in an early sunday morning of five where I'm still struggling to prepare for my presentation.

These days, I find that I relate more to lyrics rather than carefully penned thoughts. 

It terrifies me when the realisation first dawned upon me. For so long, words have been my solace. Something that blankets me with security whenever my melancholy strikes. My anchor in this often unpredictable storm of life. So much so that when I found out that I've been veering more to songs rather than book, I had the knee-jerk reaction to try to justify it.

I travel so much that songs are inevitably my loyal companion to ward off unwanted conversations and lonely moments... I can't help it, these songs are good... What can I do? these underground singers are the bomb etc...

Like the five stages of grief - although I only went through denial - I eventually came to accept that music will herein onward become a vital part of who I am. That loving it doesn't mean that I'll have to forgo my love for all things writings and words because music is essentially made up of words too. That there is nothing illegal about loving both of them at the same time.

For those who love again after the loss of their other half to death, is this how they feel? That you can equally love two person at the same time, each with a different yet seismic impact on you. I never used to understand how one can love again if they were to lose their so called soul mates. That "Wouldn't moving on means a form of betrayal to the ones you proclaimed to love?"

But if this is any precursor to how they feel, then I think that, even if I can't wholly empathise with it, I will no longer judge them as harshly as I used to. And at the end of the day, that's what everyone is asking for isn't it; that you'll be given free reign to your actions without any judgment given in return?

At least, that is what I believe I'm seeking for in life. 

***

For those who have been expressing their concern for me over my last blogpost, I can only tell you that you have made me feel loved and cared for. Your advices were not only needed but gave me comfort in knowing that those gibberish thoughts of mine that I spewed in this domain are being read and noticed.

However, I felt that it's only right for me to clarify that I'm well over the competing-with-siblings phase that many of you thought I was in. My mood did not take a turn for the worse because I was comparing myself with my brother. I've long ago reached the conclusion that whereby he excels in all things history and memorising, I fare better in language and calculations and therefore the post wasn't about us.

I was in fact overwhelmed by the midterm examination that I had just taken prior to the publication of the post. I'm not eliminating the merit of what I said, only that the cause of it was greatly misunderstood by many of you, I presume.

Anyhow, the attempts to reach out to me are greatly appreciated although my cynical self was further consolidated when those who did are not who I thought they would be.

Still, much love to those who were concerned for me. xx