Life can be unkind, but only sometimes

For years I had tried to justify every compliment that I received with denial.

A knee-jerk reaction to deflect the attention from me because I secretly believe that I don't deserve it or that the praise only come my way because of whatever relationship that I have with said compliment-er.

Isn't that sad?

You can flatter me in thousands of different way along the line of 'You have a pretty dress.", "Your writing is good.", "You're so smart" but the answer from me would only be a default one: "Nope. Not really. So-and-so is better."

I still sometimes do this and needless to say I cringe without fail whenever that happens nowadays. To let a cat out of the bag, so to say, it takes me a lot of self-restraint these days to just accept any compliment with a thank you.

Each thank you that comes out from my lips had to battle with millions of other self-deprecating comments of sorts.However difficult it is to croak out a simple thanks I'm still trying to make it a habit because I now know that I deserve it. That I'm not unworthy. That I deserve whatever extolment that I get. Call this conceited if you must but I can't care less anymore.

To me, this is a form of self-loving.

And so I would like to congratulate myself for this:

I've finally managed to achieve my goal of 4.00 and on the toughest semester. No words can even begin to describe how humbled I am for this achievement of mine. It has been five days since the release of this result and I'm still trying to grasp the fact that I have scored all As for my final and hardest diploma semester.

I can say without a doubt that this semester's result release date was the happiest but also the most nerve-wracking one that I have ever had, as my scholarship was on stake. In order to maintain the scholarship that I have been enjoying, I needed this 4.00.

It didn't help matter that I faced the toughest subject yet with 'Malaysia and International Relations'. With a syllabus akin political science that gives me not only the much needed mental-stimulation, it also gave me grief beyond belief. In fact, on the morning before I was to present my individual presentation on terrorism for this subject, I broke down and cried.

I sat in front of my laptop being besieged with sob after inconsolable sob

That was the only once in my academic life where I couldn't handle the stress and pressure. This episode eventually lead me to a conclusion that whoever who said that crying makes you feel better is lying. Big fat liar whoever you are. I didn't feel better after my crying spell, I only felt that I have wasted a good amount of time that could have been spent on rehearsing on something as futile as crying.

How does crying even help anyway?

And two weeks after that, I again came to another episode of anxiety attack because of the same reason. Due to some error, my written individual presentation had to be handed in on the same week as my group assignment. Imagine having to churn thousands and thousands of words on terrorism and Malaysia's Foreign Economic Policy.

I hold my lecturer and tutor of this subject in high regards but it doesn't change the fact that he's a tough one, and so a day before the due date I slaved for almost twenty hours in order to get the analysis done. And it came out horribly under par.

Oh, and did I mention that this subject has people failing in droves? Thus, it's not a surprise that nightmares start plaguing me - especially when other subjects are also difficult to tend with - that it drove my coping mechanism into a meltdown. I started getting terrified of sleeping because whenever my eyes were close I start getting dreams that send my what ifs amok.

Also, what makes matter worse is that I've already started to lose faith. I have wanted 4.00 more than anything but to be rational about it, I have never ever thought that I can actually attain it this semester. Whenever I envisioned myself getting it, it is always in the short semester where I have fewer and easier subjects to contend with. Hence when the last short semester come and go without a whiff  of it in trace, I didn't believe that I can accomplish it anymore.

Which makes me even more grateful for this. I'm immensely thankful that in spite of having to juggle college, work, assignments and shitty family drama I have finally made it.

Thus, you can't even begin to understand how much this 4.00 means to me.

Twenty sixth of february twenty thirteen; the day my celebrity dream came true

Pls be forewarned that this is a disgustingly long arse post of my inner fan girl!

***

Up until three days ago I would have told you how horrible February has been to me. Reason? Because my ultimate shipping of all times was here in Malaysia and I didn't managed to finagle an invite to the meet and greet.

It was sometimes around the first and second day of Chinese New Year that I got wind that Patrick J Adams and Troian Bellisario was coming to Malaysia as a part of Patrick's Suits Asia Pacific Press Tour and gawd was I excited. I mean they are the only celebrity couples that I'm actually rooting for.

I ship Ezria too but that's fictional and I've long given up hope that Ian and Lucy will end up together though I'm still hoping that Marlene won't kill them off in the coming season.

So back to Patrian, did some digging around and found out that Diva is hosting their trip here and the only way to win the m&g is to enter  this luckydraw thingy by astro. It was a bummer for me because I've never won any competition in my life but for that one time when I was fifteen and I won the fifty ringgit VIP tickets for my school fundraising concert and I didn't even turn up for that.

At that point, I'd have paid to meet them but since it wasn't a viable option, I entered the competition with all my heart and guess what, and no prizes for being able to guess either, I didn't effin win. I was disappointed, depressed and *inserts all synonyms of the aforementioned emotions*. I really really wanted to meet them so badly that I would have done anything to win the m&g but it was a closed cocktail party -they didn't even reveal the venue on the website- so there was nothing I can really do.

I moped and eventually I gotten hold of my feelings and have started to come to terms with my disappointment for not meeting them.That is until astro decided to eff with my feelings even more by sending me a text around one pm on the day that the cocktail party was to be held. It asked me to collect my tickets at the venue of the cocktail party. I was so damn happy as I thought I've actually won. I was literally shaking, hyperventilating and whatnot.


I can never adequately express the plethora of emotions that was bubbling within me when I thought that I will be meeting the subjects of my shipping. I can honestly tell you that I was beyond ecstatic for once in so many years.

Pardon my language but I was so darn happy. At that moment, I can even understand why some people pay a ton to go concerts,do crazy things just to meet their idols and generally went ballistic if they did meet 'em. Sorry but I used to be a judgmental biatch towards fan girls because I don't get their enthusiasm and fixation and for that I owe all you fan girls out there A HUGE APOLOGY.

So as I was saying, I was all happy and giddy preparing to leave for the venue in Bangsar only to receive another text from astro saying that their system had a glitch and I was sent an invalid invitation and most importantly NO ADMISSION for those didn't win. ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME?!?! Yes, that was my reaction which was swiftly followed with bereavement. I wanted to cry but it seemed that my body was grieved into a state of inertia. I wasn't even capable of feeling anything other than sorrow.

You would think that that was the end of the tragedy right? But no, as life hates me, it went much further. As astro sent the sms with the venue to all the participants of the competition, some of the really hardcore fans who actually proceed to crash the party did managed to meet Patrick and Troian. From what I know, both of them heard of the shit that astro made us go through and came out to meet all those fans who've waited for hours outside the restaurant.

YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME?

If I was devastated before I was shattered after I found out about that news and it doesn't help the matter that for the following days pictures and posts of fans meeting Patrian kept popping up on twitter and instagram.

No kiddin but I actually sank into depression because of it. I lost my appetite and all I could think of was "Why didn't I get the effin chance to meet 'em" It even went as drastic as me not studying for my midterm because I was busy nursing my wound by going through both Patrick and Troian's twitter and instagram. Not that it help as it only worsen my griefs but I guess I'm just masochistic enough to inflict those pain onto myself.

So on monday night, after barely scraping through my midterm, I resumed what I do best which is inflicting even more pain and heartache on myself by stalking through their hashtags at twitter and instagram. I don't even know why I kept doing that to myself. I knew it was going to hurt but still I soldiered on and I did indeed get hurt enough to go mad. From all the hashtags I go through it seems that half of the people in KL have meet them, whether it was during the m&g, a chance encounter or an orchestrated one.

I was close to popping my lid and I finally had enough when one girl posted about how she was just walking around Bangsar and she bumped into them. Wtf right? I was dying to meet them and all she did was walking around and she bumped into them? I just had enough especially since through my stalking I found out that they'll be leaving the next day.

It was around eleven something on monday night that I decided that if I want to meet them I'll have to take action instead of sitting around and moping. So I did more snooping, found out about the time of their flights (don't ask), did some calculation and roped a friend into going fan girl mode with me.

Thank you Hannah! Thank you so very much for going there with me and waiting with me and so very sorry that I didn't get their autographs for you.

Yes, I did the unthinkable. I, who is the embodiment of rationality, logic,over-thinking, prim and proper  went and waited for them at their hotel ala fan girl mode. It was a super last minute decision and I have to tell you that I barely had a wink of sleep after I made that decision as I was so nervous. Nervous about meeting them. Nervous about missing them. I played out a thousand and one scenarios in my head the whole night.

I was even more besieged by nerves when I was on my way to their hotel. I was so afraid of missing them by mere minutes or that they wouldn't entertain us although all the fans who've met them said that they're really gracious, friendly, down-to-earth and they have no airs around them. In fact, I was so afraid of missing them that I didn't dared to go to the toilet even when I was dying to pee. And the whole time that I was there waiting for them, I was even more nervous as I was afraid that the guard would kick us out and that fear intensified when Hannah  left at eleven so as not to miss class.

Yes, I ditch class for it. I know I know very not me right. And according to le bestie, H, this is a nauseatingly fan girl side of me that she didn't even know about. Ha, wait till she hears about how I managed to snoop out their flight information!

Good news: halfway waiting for them I met three other fan girls/boy who came to wait for them too. The security in numbers I tell you. I've waited for an hour and fourty five minutes before I saw them. As I have waited for so long, by then I hadn't been snatching my head up from my phone every time someone passed by, so I was so stunned when I lifted my head and the first person I saw was Troian.

I automatically gravitated towards her while the other three stormed to Patrick.

Me: *shyly says* hi

Troian: Hi. That's the cutest outfit ever.

Me: Thank you. I'm such a huge fan of yours. Can I have a picture with you?

Troain: Sure but make it quick as we're late to the airport

Me: You're leaving to the Philippines right? *trying to open my camera apps which refused to work*

Troain: Yeah. 

Honestly I don't remember what happened next as it was all a blur. All I can remember is I've muttered so many incoherent gibberish things to her that are along the line of I'm a huge fans of yours, I've waited so long for you, you're my inspiration etc. We took a photo and I turned to Patrick and did the most horrible faux pass ever!

Patrick: Hi *offers his hand for a handshake*

Me: Adam! *with so much enthusiasm that I wanna die* -took his proffered hand

Patrick: Patrick. My name's Patrick.

Me: OMGOSH. I'm so sorry, it's just that your twitter and IG -

Patrick: It's okay.

Me: I'm really sorry. Can we have a picture?
Patrick: Of course

Thinking about it still makes me wanna dig a hole and bury myself in there for the rest of eternity. I met one of my biggest celebrity crush of all times and I didn't even called him by his right name. I don't know why I even called him Adam. It's just that I was so flustered about actually meeting him that I blurted out the first thing in my brain: his surname. It's so embarrassing I tell you.

I think I even got a punishment for that. My pictures with them, especially him, came out horribly blur. I mean I could have asked for another take but I felt bad as they were already rushing to the airport so I didn't want to impose on them more than I already have. Le sigh. At least I got their autographs but even that turned out wrong as my pen ran outta ink. Bad luck must be trailing me.

I am disgruntled but I can't deny that I have actually got what I wanted which is to meet them. The picture turned out blur beyond repair. My pen ran outta ink but bottom line is I have met them. I have met them even though I didn't win the m&g. I have met them although I've already resigned myself to the fact that I won't ever see them. So what if the picture is blur? The picture might be blur but I'm not gonna let it mar our meeting because my dream did came true.

I know both of you might not see this ever but thank you Patrick for taking time out of your schedule to take pictures with us even though I made a blunder and called you Adam. Thank you for being so nice about it and being my inspiration with your struggle to be where you are today without ever giving up on your dream. You had one hella a lot of one shot appearance in many tv shows and yet you never gave up. For that, you'll always be my inspiration when the going gets tough for me.

Thank you Troian for being so gracious, friendly, kind, nice, down to earth and everything that I thought you would be. You're really gorgeous even without makeups and even as an international star you have no airs whatsoever when you have all the rights to be so thank you for entertaining a request of a mere fan girl like me. You're honestly my favourite liars and I would have to say my favourite actress of all times too. Continue to give stellar performances as Spencer and as an actress and one day I hope you and Patrick will make it to the Oscars.

And finally I want to thank the both of you for making one of my tiny -but seemed impossible then- dream come true. 26.02.13 will forever be emblazoned in me.

***

P.s: Plenty of grammatical errors and typos around but I don't care because I've met them and if you comment on how blur those pictures are I'll stuff you in a turkey so don't rain on my parade. 

Life is great. It is.

I'm a perfectionist and I am extremely pessimist. I get paranoid easily over trivial matters.I have really low self-esteem and I'm terribly insecure. I over analyze and dissect everything in my life. I don't trust people at all. I shut people out for the fear of being hurt or let down. I worry about worrying. I tend to be ungrateful. Or to put in a nutshell, I'm the epitome of what self-help books are suppose to guide one against. Needless to say, I'm super negative and probably gives out harmful vibes to one's well being.

However, for once in my life (or in my blog), I shall give thanks for everything around me because I realized how lucky I am. And for everything that has been given to me or will be given to me, I am super grateful.

1. Ohana means family and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My family is great. Beyond great to be frank. Both my parents are around and I have an overindulgent mother who despite my years of rebellion, temper and tantrums had stood by me through thick and thin; the one who showers me with unconditional love and who instantly forgives me for all my misgivings. Besides, I have a brother who spoils me (to a certain extent); a sibling whom I can talk to till the wee hours of the morning; one who can accurately gauge my feelings and thoughts just by looking at me. Because of them, I believe that I can seize the world for I know that if I fail, they will always be there for me. 

2. The ❤ of my life.

A bundle of joy who had my heart and love. An innocent child who at the tender age of a few months old had wiped away my lone tear and smiled at me when I broke down emotionally and physically and cried in front of her. That one gesture of hers had unknowingly propelled me to be stronger when everything else seemed so bleak back then. A beauty who will always hold a huge chunk of my heart.

3. A passionate pursuit.

I'm grateful that I'm lucky enough to have found my calling and even luckier that I have been given full reign to pursue it along with supports and encouragements from family and friends. I also appreciate it that my results thus far have been a tad more than average. Albeit not achieving the goal that I had set for myself yet, I believe that I can achieve it.

4. The needs and wants.

I have a place to stay, foods to eat,books that I love and more clothes that one can actually ask for.  

5. I get by with a little help from my friends.

I'm extremely closed off, a little cold on the emotional side and I never trust people unless you earned it. But despite it, I have pretty good friends who are willing to lend me a shoulder to cry on, ears to listen to and who selflessly give me encouragements and advice. I do not know how I can manage to have them stick by me but nonetheless I'm grateful beyond words.

6. You have a part-time job, and that's better than no job at all.

I have a part time job that pays adequately and amazingly one which I don't abhor or dread. A job which gives me the independence of not asking my folks for allowance. And yet can afford me the luxury of satiating whatever cravings that I want (after economizing it); be it food, books or clothes.

7. Everyone makes the world goes round.

I am not who I am today without all those people who had at one point or another been in my life circumference regardless of the time they were in it. Each and everyone of them/you had contributed to the nuances that made up who I am. Whether you brought on a seismic impact on my life with you or all you did was to smile at me, I'm grateful for it because each one of you had taught me a lesson in life that I can not do well without.

8. Leave a lil footprint will ya?

For all the countries and places that I've been to. I'm grateful that I've been to China, Hong Kong, Thailand, Singapore and Taiwan especially when I had been to some of these countries several times. Not even two decades old yet and I've tasted the food, culture, people and scenery of few of the countries outside of Malaysia. A feat that I should celebrate and be thankful about.

9. Passionately obsessed.

I'm thankful that I watched the 2010 FIFA World Cup because it was then that I fell obsessively in love with Germany and Miroslav Klose. Who wouldn't? I mean try watching how they played football and I can guarantee you that they are the ones whom you will fall deeply madly in love with. Being one that don't invest my feeling frivolously means that once I do, I'm in it for the long haul - no matter what stands in the way and till death do us part. Thus, I'm grateful as I have found another passion of mine which is being the psychotically obsessed fan girl for the Germany National Football Team and also Miroslav Klose.


10. Just because.

For being alive (: