Life can be unkind, but only sometimes

For years I had tried to justify every compliment that I received with denial.

A knee-jerk reaction to deflect the attention from me because I secretly believe that I don't deserve it or that the praise only come my way because of whatever relationship that I have with said compliment-er.

Isn't that sad?

You can flatter me in thousands of different way along the line of 'You have a pretty dress.", "Your writing is good.", "You're so smart" but the answer from me would only be a default one: "Nope. Not really. So-and-so is better."

I still sometimes do this and needless to say I cringe without fail whenever that happens nowadays. To let a cat out of the bag, so to say, it takes me a lot of self-restraint these days to just accept any compliment with a thank you.

Each thank you that comes out from my lips had to battle with millions of other self-deprecating comments of sorts.However difficult it is to croak out a simple thanks I'm still trying to make it a habit because I now know that I deserve it. That I'm not unworthy. That I deserve whatever extolment that I get. Call this conceited if you must but I can't care less anymore.

To me, this is a form of self-loving.

And so I would like to congratulate myself for this:

I've finally managed to achieve my goal of 4.00 and on the toughest semester. No words can even begin to describe how humbled I am for this achievement of mine. It has been five days since the release of this result and I'm still trying to grasp the fact that I have scored all As for my final and hardest diploma semester.

I can say without a doubt that this semester's result release date was the happiest but also the most nerve-wracking one that I have ever had, as my scholarship was on stake. In order to maintain the scholarship that I have been enjoying, I needed this 4.00.

It didn't help matter that I faced the toughest subject yet with 'Malaysia and International Relations'. With a syllabus akin political science that gives me not only the much needed mental-stimulation, it also gave me grief beyond belief. In fact, on the morning before I was to present my individual presentation on terrorism for this subject, I broke down and cried.

I sat in front of my laptop being besieged with sob after inconsolable sob

That was the only once in my academic life where I couldn't handle the stress and pressure. This episode eventually lead me to a conclusion that whoever who said that crying makes you feel better is lying. Big fat liar whoever you are. I didn't feel better after my crying spell, I only felt that I have wasted a good amount of time that could have been spent on rehearsing on something as futile as crying.

How does crying even help anyway?

And two weeks after that, I again came to another episode of anxiety attack because of the same reason. Due to some error, my written individual presentation had to be handed in on the same week as my group assignment. Imagine having to churn thousands and thousands of words on terrorism and Malaysia's Foreign Economic Policy.

I hold my lecturer and tutor of this subject in high regards but it doesn't change the fact that he's a tough one, and so a day before the due date I slaved for almost twenty hours in order to get the analysis done. And it came out horribly under par.

Oh, and did I mention that this subject has people failing in droves? Thus, it's not a surprise that nightmares start plaguing me - especially when other subjects are also difficult to tend with - that it drove my coping mechanism into a meltdown. I started getting terrified of sleeping because whenever my eyes were close I start getting dreams that send my what ifs amok.

Also, what makes matter worse is that I've already started to lose faith. I have wanted 4.00 more than anything but to be rational about it, I have never ever thought that I can actually attain it this semester. Whenever I envisioned myself getting it, it is always in the short semester where I have fewer and easier subjects to contend with. Hence when the last short semester come and go without a whiff  of it in trace, I didn't believe that I can accomplish it anymore.

Which makes me even more grateful for this. I'm immensely thankful that in spite of having to juggle college, work, assignments and shitty family drama I have finally made it.

Thus, you can't even begin to understand how much this 4.00 means to me.

An emptiness where once were flames

It's seven am on a holiday morning and here I am; wide awake from yet another nightmare.

They are never clear cut these nightmares. Always in an abstract form of one or another. Trapping me in another dimension where I'm powerless against my fears. Fears who have been magnified into many a hulk that terrorise the sanity of my mind.

Cornered in my anxieties for what seems like ages only for me to wake up to burning sensations in my heart, stampede of elephants running amok in my stomach, throat all clogged up and a mind which refused to rest itself from the negative what ifs.

Truth to be told, I've never been this afraid before and knowing that the possibilities of my fears coming true are very likely terrify me even further.

Six pence none the richer

I have one thousand eight hundred words more to go for my assignment that is due this friday but me being an all or nothing writer (mostly the latter) is finding it terribly difficult to churn out the words for it although it has all been panned out in my mind. And believe me when I say that one thousand and eight hundred words is an easy feat for me if I'm entrench in it. Few semesters back I actually wrote a thousand word essay for the required three hundred and fifty one just because I was in the mood.

The fact is, I have waited five semesters to be able to do this assignment. Five agonizingly long semesters before I was finally learning about the one thing that had fueled my desire for this line of work that I'm venturing into. It's my favourite subject of all and yet now that I'm faced with it, I find myself void of the motivation to actually finish what I have already started.

So here I am, freely blogging out my frustration in words that otherwise just refused to come out when faced with microsoft word.

On a related note, I just don't get people who plagiarize. I mean a blog is your own entity. It's a space where you express your inner most thoughts and feelings without fearing the judgmental look that you'll be getting from your audience. I mean, I wouldn't even whisper half of the things that I blogged about here  to my family and friends even if you forced me at gunpoint.

Which is why I really don't get how you can even entertain the idea of brandishing my words into yours, what more actually doing it. How can you even get it pass your writer self? I get paraphrasing for academic purpose but to use it in a personal context is just a big no for me. To even think about passing off someone's work as my own is enough for me to look down disgustedly on myself so I really really don't understand how  you can do something like this.

Call me petty or overreacting but pray do tell how should I feel when I found out that someone — whom I know and whom I'm pretty sure reads my blog — came up with a blog post with the almost same title with mine and used the same metaphor that I used to express the exact same idea that I conveyed not too long ago here?

I concur that I'm not the most original writer around but I do take my writing seriously. As a matter of fact, I bawl my eyes out sometimes ago because my work was commented to be cliche. And that is just because someone thinks that my story is vaguely not different with those already around and that is not even directly plagiarizing someone else OK.

So yes I am mad but I strongly believe that I have just reasons to feel this way.

In other — more pleasant— news, I have officially been away from facebook for 31795200 seconds as of twelve tonight. And for all you lazy bum who lack the effort to convert them seconds into days, it's 368 days which equals to one year and three days.

I'm going to be honest and confess upfront that it wasn't as easy as I have initially thought it would be.Temptations and seductions from family and friends have many a time made me go, "Ah hell, I give up." and to go on that social networking site only for my resolve to rebuild itself right before I log in.

For that, I believe I deserve a pat on the back, right?

Not going to divulge anymore boring details about my nonexistent relationship with facebook. It's suffice to say that there is definitely no love lost between the two of us. Ranting quota for the day achieved so I'm just going to head back to staring vacantly at my unfinished work but before that here's a picture for you:

I know that it's not very often that I post pictures of myself on this blog (I can even count the number of times that I do so with my two fingers wtf) but I'm making an exception today because I look deliriously happy in this one. This might also just possibly be the happiest captured moment of mine in twenty twelve. Besides, it's not a camwhore picture taken in the toilet so I'll let this one slide.

Heavy heart, now a weightless cloud

I can finally breathe again.

It's not fully back to normal yet, but it's less erratic than the past two weeks and it can be safe to say that I wouldn't be having anymore panic attacks (at least not in the coming six days of holidays, yay!)

It has been fourteen whirlwind days packed with college, work, assignments, exam and presentations. It was such a hectic fortnight that I have lost count of the times that my temper would flare up, erupt and scald the people around me.For that I'm sorry, but to have one assignment thrust upon you after another and especially with the tight deadline between them it can easily drive the sanest person crazy.

To recap: I had just finished off a mid-term test, wrote an 1800 words analysis based on an in-depth interview about Malaysia's media system, handed in my moral group assignment, did another 3100 words analysis on Malaysia's Constitution (pair work), delivered a presentation on how feature writing differs from news, columns, and editorials which was then followed up by another presentation on said constitution analysis assignment and wrapped it all up by preparing and conducting a classroom activity on broadcast industry (pair work). And all these are notwithstanding the average tutorial questions in classes and journals to read up on.

Oh, and did I mention that the three presentations were all in a single day?

Well, that was how the last two weeks whiz by me. Although most of the assignments are either group or pair work but the effort and time that I had put into those assignments had exerted me beyond measures. I was so stressed out for the past two weeks over the assignments that I barely have enough time to sleep, what more breathe.

In retrospect, I didn't breathe at all during that period of time. The mountainous stack of to do's lists were driving me up the walls that on the whole I was veering dangerously close to hyperventilating especially when one glitch after another road bump kept popping up.

I even rushed out of mid-shower once just to text my group mate in order to check with her if what we were doing was right. That was how tensed I was during the whole ordeal. I worried about how to do the assignments, whether we have adequate time to do it, if we're doing it right.... and being the paranoid pessimist person that I am there are a million more to this list than I've let on but I'm not going to subject you to the terror of my endless what if's.

So yes, this is just a short post to commemorate that I've survived these challenging and inhumane weeks of my college life. Also, I have to add that this semester is the toughest one to date and so I'm immensely glad that I've weathered through it and came out alive.

Several couple hours less of sleep but nevertheless still intact.

Sleeping beauty mayhap?

I sleep.

That's my coping mechanism during exam period. That is what I do when I'm too stressed out of striving for that lil bit more of perfection yet unable to just let it go. I sleep so that I don't have to be awake when my conscience kick in and hammers me with the millions of "No study, no 4.00 gpa." I sleep so that I wouldn't be consciously worrying about how my procrastination habit will ruin my attempt at finally scoring what I really need. And I sleep so that I will block out the clock in the back of my mind that is ticking away precious time.

That is just one of the nuances that made up who I am.

I still remember I struggled so very hard during secondary five. It's not with the subjects that I wage my battle with for it's often than not that I declared war with myself. For it is I and not others that often pushed myself away. During that time, I couldn't cope with the expectation that I was piling high up onto myself. I couldn't come to terms that it's okay if I don't make it and so I ran. The nearer it was to SPM, the farther I ran. When people around me were busy doing revisions on the eleventh hour, I was still reclining in my dreamland telling myself that "It's OK! I still have time."

When time is indeed the only thing that I'm running out of.

Finally, when I really got on to the fact that I don't have time anymore, I went full on panic mode. And sadly to say, I gave up. I gave up because it was easier to do so than keep on fighting. I let go of my goals because I had lost hope; an essence which had been seeping off me at every moment that I closed my eyes and drift off the stress-free land called dream.

However, if sleeping as a coping mechanism is a part of me than scoring infinitely better from the product of very-last-minute revision is another parcel of me too. Despite what others may say about how last-minute revision should be prevented at best and avoided at worse, it works fine with me. Maybe it's the adrenaline rush that is coursing through me when I only really study - at best - few hours before the paper. Or maybe it is finally the realization that time is indeed running out. Whichever it is, I find myself to score better when I procrastinate till the very last minute, be it exams or assignments.

Despite what I am perspicuously insinuating here, this is not a habit of mine that I'm particularly proud of. The reason is simple. Because I might not get that lucky every single time. Nobody can score a high distinction on every single paper that he or she studied only hours before the exam commencement. Nobody is that lucky for the universe is just not that kind.

And because of that simple reasoning itself,  I shall endeavour to buck up my result this time by not waiting till three hours before the exam to only start studying. But I will still continue to sleep if only so that I will forget all about my self induced stress even if it's an hour too many of superfluous sleep.

You know I dream in colour

When you're at the top of the world, there's nowhere to go but down. 

Does it mean that I'm only going to go down from here on?

No more fancy words to disguise my disappointment because at the end of the day, all I can see, feel and think is how much of disappointment I am.

Emily of Emerald Hill

an excerpt of the literary critique that i wrote for my drama assignment. this is posted just for the sake of updating my blog till i can compose my errant thoughts into a coherent blog post. 

From my own point of view, Emily of Emerald Hill is quite a riveting play. It tells the story of a girl who was abandoned by her mother to the mercy of her relatives after her father had passed away just because she was a female. She was then married off to her distant cousin in an arranged marriage and had to climb her way to the seat of the matriarch of the family. And also to earn the respect of the other family members using her intelligence and wit when she was denied the respect and acceptance that was normally bestow upon the eldest daughter-in-law just because she was younger than them.

It is also a tale of an insecure girl who hid within the facade of the matriarch of the family. An insecure woman who desperately tries to control and manages the lives of those around her so that they will always be dependent on her; so that she will have the assurance of knowing that her life has some significance and that no one is going to throw her back into the gutter. It is also the tale of how a woman who had achieved what she wanted and yet lost her husband and her son along the way. A tale of a strong woman who had weathered all kind of hardships in life and had stood tall in the face of tragedies and yet ended up alone in her old age.

It is a play that makes you ponder on whether or not one can really take destiny in their hand and emerge as the winner in this game of life?

I do applaud Stella Kon for coming up and also developing Emily into such a character that we love and despise at the same time. Emily is a woman who had to face one tragedy after another in her life but instead of submissively surrendering to the cards that life dealt her with, she fought for her own happiness and turn out to be one strong woman that one can’t help but to look up upon although at times her stifling need to control and boss the lives of those around her are frowned upon by us.

Painting a vulnerable girl who is struggling to strive in a modernized Peranakan Chinese family, who at times is still trapped in the traditional way of life in the ancestral mansion of Emerald Hill, as a setting is quite as captivating a background as it is. Despite being a one-woman play which might start off as a bit boring seeing that other than Emily the rest of the characters are invisible in the play but as you go along you are gradually encapsulated in this woman’s journey in life.

This play has taught me not to put my judgemental glasses up all the time because there’s always more to a person than what he or she is showing to the world. Emily might appear as a domestic tyrant but deep down she’s actually just an insecure girl-child who desperately wants to belong. This shows me that no one has the right to judge another because what one shows to the world is actually just a tip of an iceberg of who he or she actually is.

 Emily has also taught me that it is better to lose a battle so that one can win the war. She was bullied tremendously by her sister-in-law, Susie, when she first married into Emerald Hill but instead of crying over it or starting petty arguments she instead put her whole effort and attention in trying to get into the good book of her mother-in-law which she successfully did. This strategy of hers taught me that it is good to sometimes employ patience and tolerance in the face of adversity so long as I would come out as the winner in the long run.

            Furthermore, this play has also taught me that you shouldn’t let your past rule your life. Emily is a dominant tyrant who was controlled by her sense of insecurity to do what she does in order to fill the void that was left gaping open by her anxiety of not being wanted. This resulted in her driving her son, Richard, to commit suicide and also to lose her husband. Although I can see where she’s coming from but that doesn’t mean that I condone what she’s doing. She let her past overrode her and that in turn mess up her future. It made me realizes that one shouldn’t dwell too much in the past but instead keep it as a lesson for future references.

            To sum it all up, Emily of Emerald Hill is a thought provoking play that probes on your innermost thoughts and make one questions on what is right and what is wrong. Is it right for Emily to push Richard off the edge just in order for him to be better than his cousin or is it wrong of a mother for wanting what she thought was the best for her son? Is it right for Emily to hold onto a husband who no longer wants her or is it wrong of a wife for wanting to keep her marriage intact?

            Emily of Emerald Hill is indeed a fascinating play. 

how nothing's funny when its you

the first thing that pops into her mind when the page finally loaded was "thank god i'm sitting down!" it was a very uncharacteristically nonacademic thought about something so very academic that now that she thinks about it, it was pretty funny. except it wasn't that funny to begin with. she was suppose to check her results the day after the results were released. partly because she was going out with her friends on the day the results were supposedly released and partly because she was lazy and a little bit too sure of herself; after all a subject that she thought she was gonna flunk for sem1 finals was a subject that she actually got a high distinction for, hence her thinking that the same would occur again. unfortunately lady luck wasn't on her side this time around.

after a debate with her friends on the merit of checking her results immediately versus checking it the day after during the ride back from klcc, she decided to cave in to her curiosity.

while the page of her results was loading she could feel her heart palpitating furiously and composing a wild tattoo of havoc within her and when the drat thing finally loaded all she could think of was that she was grateful she was sitting down because she was sure that her knees would buckle under the pressure of disappointment that was coursing through her and then she rubbed her eyes once. twice. and thrice. then she returned her attention to the page again and realized that it wasn't a slip of the eyes that resulted in a damn alphabet and symbol sitting smugly besides two of her subjects.

and when the realization of the context of the actual reality of her results that were staring blatantly in front of her face finally dawned upon her, she flinched and recoiled into a mess of devastation. her thoughts and feeling were pirouetting so fast within her that she failed to latch onto any other thoughts and feelings other than 'ohmygosh' and desolation. suddenly she felt that she had lost something of vital importance to her that she wanted to wail out in anguish; she needed to vent out her disappointment and frustration before she literally breaks down and cry in front of all those unknown faces that were scattered around in the canteen.

but all she managed to do then in her state of mind was to mutter an 'oh' to no one in particular and drag her bruised and battered emotions back to her room to mourn in silence. she did not cry. she yearned to but she didn't let herself to because although she was reluctant to admit it; it was her fault that her results were in this state; it was because of her sheer procrastination and gaming addiction that brought her to this misery and because of that she wouldn't let a single drop of tears to fall. she wouldn't provide herself with a means of physical relief from her emotional pain because it was all her fault.

she was asked by several people what her results were but she was adamant not to tell anyone about it. she did not want anyone to tell her "ok what your results.it's better than mine!" or to reassure her, "actually your cgpa is quite good." truth is, it isn't and them saying stuff like that will only serve to flatter her ego and divert her from her strive to score a perfect 4.00 gpa in the next several semesters because frankly that was what happened in the last semester and she didn't want it to recur again. and also because she knows what they will definitely say behind her back if she did decide to reveal her results. she knows that they wouldn't understand her reasoning because when it comes down to the core, no one can infer of her logic for the need of perfection.

related: atychiphobia / djr sem2

p.s: for those of you who think that i posted the two related links to show off my 'excellent' academic results i beg to differ as i deliberately put those links in this post to remind myself how far i have fallen.

Djr1 Sem2

I'm finally done with my semester 2 as of yesterday and i shall summarize my finals as a reminder to never ever slack again next semester (oh how i wish).

• Tamadun Islam dan Asia

I totally 100% did not study much for this subject. Granted that this paper was on new year's eve and that i was doing last minute preparation to move then but that's a flimsy excuse to use to mask my procrastination. i was supposed to sit for the paper at 9am but i only started to study for it at 4am the same morning and even then it was not exactly studying because i was playing games also. i really hope that my coursework marks will not be wasted because of this.

• English for Communication

Well I think I did adequately for this paper although i did a teeny-weeny mistake in my letter.

• Mass Media and Society

Among all the other subject minus english, i think that this is the paper which i did not slack as much as the others. note that i said 'as much as the others' because i did slack while studying for this paper just not as much games or reading.

• Intorduction to Human Communication

This is the paper that made me want to cry when I think about it and i'm not just saying it figuratively because i was really disappointed with myself. on a scale of 1-10 on slacking, i did a pretty impressive 100. i had about two days to study for this but i spent one and half day of it playing games on my phone and the thing was, this paper was quite easy so i literally did myself in for this one.

• Writing for Electronic Media

I slack a lot for this paper too, only really started studying for it the night before the exam, however, i think i did all right for this as we were given guidelines. the only thing i'm worried about is that my coursework marks for this subject was not very satisfactory.

when i first started this semester, i really really wanted to get a 4.00 cgpa and i was determined to do it too at first but after a while everything starts to deteriorate. i was getting lazier, more laid back and less motivated; my coursework marks was not as good as compared to the first semester and not what i had expected too; my finals were also more screwed up as usual as i was totally diverted from studying. the good thing that came out from this semester was that some of the subjects were more interesting and that the assignments were much more fun. in this another fourteen weeks semester, i learned about human communication (which was really riveting), was assigned to write a 30 minutes tv script based on a book of our choice (which got me addicted to house of night and i'm so proud of my baby!), had to analyse movie conversation (which help me to relive my childhood again with mulan) and i got to see how tv and radio station works by visiting RTM for a course trip. all in all this was an okay semester but i hope to do better with drama and electronic publishing next semester. till then i'm just going to enjoy my semester break.

I apologize..

for all the times i went "Gosh, why are that actor/actress sprouting rubbish? What was the scriptwriter thinking?!", "Why are they airing these kind of boring show?", "I can write a wayyyyyyy better script than that!"etc because you will never know how hard it is to write a script for the electronic media until you have to write a 30 minutes script for the pilot series of a book. fml for the coming two weeks

its getting harder to grasp on

i feel like i'm slacking way too much this semester and somehow i find that i don't enjoy this semester as much as i should. its such a monumental task nowadays to drag myself up from bed for my classes especially when my class starts at 8am everyday and when i'm in class all i wish is for it to end faster so that i can go back to cuddle up in my bed and read. my assignments are all in a mess because of my procrastination and i think i might have screwed up my english presentation today.

Atychiphobia

CGPA : 3.9375

"You are pretty harsh on yourself. Do you know that?" she was told. It was a statement more of a question and the many retorts that were instantly sprung within her died upon reaching her lips and was instead replaced by a infinitesimal nod of her head. She knew she should deny it vehemently but by doing so she would be lying outright to that one person who had managed to see through her and no matter how much she wanted to she knew she couldn't do it. She wanted to explain it but she knew she couldn't find the right words to do so and so she sat there numbly and stared back at that one person who had managed to unravel what she had kept deep and dark inside of her for so many long and lonely years.

She always knew that she's harder on herself more than anyone else. She couldn't explain why she wanted everything to be perfect because for as long as she knows that's just how things should be. She couldn't tell people that she's not satisfied with her results just because it's tainted by that one A- for she knew that by doing so, one would deemed her to be cocky and will put her entire action as a parade to fish for compliments. However, that's not how the thing is for her. For she really felt that her results is just not perfect enough. She couldn't tell them that for the very same reason why she couldn't understand why she is such a perfectionist herself; why she just have to wrap all her books impeccably before stamping them with her name; why she is only willing to draw a line with a ruler and not without it; why she's such a frigid person who yearns for a change and yet unwilling to take drastic measure.

It's not a want for her but rather it's a need. A need to do everything perfectly because everything else just isn't and so with a voice that seemed rather shaky, she replied as calmly as she could, "Because that's the only way I can cope."

http://moac-me.blogspot.com/2011/08/melancholic.html

And she twirls around and around

Semester 1 has officially ended!

I had my last paper yesterday then the bunch of us went down to KL to just hang around. We started off with McD then LowYat then when the rest were headed to Pavillion, I wandered off to look for my sandals. I fell down the stairs in college on Tuesday and like luck would have it, my sandals broke (and I was wearing a mini skirt. Oh the horror!) so I was urgently and desperately in need for a new sandals for my trip to Taiwan on Monday. Managed to bought one comfortable yet chic sandal within my budget then met the rest in Sg.Wang's Snowflake.

I had wanted to go back already before HuanHee texted me and asked me to accompany her to eat Snowflake in Sg.Wang (the coincidence) and after several seconds of persuasion and several minutes of reluctance, I decided to stay back after all and waited for her. I had a round of Snowflake with her and met her boy before we wandered off and stayed nearly two hours in Cotton On. It was late already when we headed back to college and hence with no choice I hastily packed all my four months of remnants of hostel stay before headed home.

Overall I guess I did okay for my finals, however, I'm not that sure that 4.00 CGPA is still within my grasp. I think I blew off my chance of getting an A for Intro to IT when I wasted 1 1/2 days of the 2 days allocated to revise for IT by reading fictions (old habit die hard). The Journalism paper was hard also as in like I had just enough time to do all the four questions only.But still I'm praying, hoping and wishing that I can still get A for all five papers. Semester 1 was fun and I heard that Semester 2 promised to be hectic. I can't wait or Semester 2 to start although my 3 weeks holiday had just begun and I will be starting the iconic start of Semester2 on my 18th birthday. Till then I shall rot for 2 weeks at home.

On an unrelated note, I was perusing through my fb when I came to the fact that a very close friend of mine from when I was working at Celebrity has started college and I was stunned. For me, all my colleagues at Celebrity are mature and adult albeit the fact that some of them are only two or three years older than me. So when I found out that someone whom I deemed to be so adult and mature are going through the same phase-college- as me I was a tad too stunned before I came to my senses and feel elated for her. Although I only know her for a mere three months, she's more of a closer friend to me than some whom I have known for years. She's a strong lady who handles the difficulties life had thrown at her without faltering. A lady that despite her complicated childhood and difficult adolescent has turned out to be who no one has expected her to be and for that I hope you'll be a successful psychologist, monyet :D

P.s: I really hope you will remember. I really do.

The light at the end of the tunnel

Tarc grading system is that 60% of our final semester marks comes from our coursework marks which consist of individual/group assignments and also presentation meanwhile the rest of the 40% comes from our final exam. Apparently I'm doing pretty well in my coursework. I actually scored the highest in two of my subject; Hubungan Etnik(which is a compulsory sejarah-like subject) and also on my IT practical. I'm also the only one in my course that gets an A in Hubungan Etnik. I also did pretty well for my journalism coursework. My journalism lecturer actually applauded me for my mid-term exam. An exam in which I was suppose to form 5 questions then go out and interview two people then write a news article about the increasing number of jobless graduates in Malaysia. I was the fastest to form my questions and she actually commented that my questions are good and that I was the only one in my course that actually narrowed down my focus for the exam, plus she was very satisfied with the questions that I came up for each of the ministry in my Cabinet Members coursework. She also told me that I have potential to be a good journalist. It might be a small and petty compliment to others but for me I couldn't have been happier. Besides, for a person like me who shy away from attention and who loathe to speak in front of public I did myself proud by garnering compliments from my lecturers that I'm good in my presentation. They said that I managed to deliver my points efficiently with my voice being loud and clear and also by my body language. I actually scored a 27/30 for my Hubungan Etnik presentation; the highest mark he has ever given to all of the 200+ students that he was teaching. I am not stating all this to brag but with all the negativity and downs that I was having in my life lately all these are actually a very good turns of events in my life. Compliments that will keep me going and striving hard to achieve what I want.

P.s: am going to study super hard to score a 3.75/4.00 CGPA for my first semester (:

Writing my dreams

A career you love or a career that pays? Money does matter to me but I do believe that passion triumphs all. I had registered for college and will be taking up journalism. Despite how others deem this job to be tiring, lifeless and do not pay much, I'm still adamant about doing this for life. I believe that a job that you love doing will eventually pay. Although I'm still a lil insecure about my writing ability and still finds it hard to believe that people are complementing me on my pieces, I decided to follow my heart and go through with my decision.

Will be resigning end of this month and frankly speaking, I'm a little heavy hearted. I started this job feeling scared and stress out but eventually I grew to love it; the different type of people you meet everyday, the quirky and lively colleagues, and obviously the money I'm making. I had even thought of staying in this industry but decided the better of it. In the near distant future I might venture back into this line but for now I will just concentrate on my enthusiasm on starting college and staying at the hostel. My hostel fetish might wane off after a few weeks but for now I'm all hyped up about being independent.