Did you see that shooting star tonight?

❝ We were always alone, even together. ❞

Got my baby shipped from UK and it arrived right before I started my finals so guess who wasn't studying. For those who weren't privy to this information, I'm really into poetry recently. Really really. I will live and breathe poetry if that's permissible.

It wasn't until a short time ago that I actually found out there's a difference between poetry and poem. I have always thought that they're one and the same: which goes to explain why I haven't been in this fandom (yes i'm calling this love for poetry of mine a fandom, sue me) from the start as poems have always given me a boring vibe.

It just can't be helped, I mean have you guys read the poems that we were required to learn in high school? They are just plain boring. Maybe it's just me but after countless times of reading, dissecting, assuming what the underlying message of 'The Road Not Taken' actually is, I've grown an aversion to poems. I'm learning to love it now so that's a start I guess. 

Moving on, I have just finished my second semester's finals so this is definitely a valid reason to just rot at home for the coming three weeks - preferably buried to my nose with my recent purchases. I have never been more glad that a semester is over. This semester felt that it's never going to end, more like four years rather than four months. It doesn't help that I've hit so many lows during this period of time.

Awful luck (bad just don't do it) has been dogging my every step for the past few weeks - from losing my phone's memory card to being the inadvertent complice in helping my mom lose her phone. It has been terrible and I'm afraid this is going to persist until the year ends because this is not the year for rooster. I'd rejoice if superstitious is not one of the very few inherent chinese traits embedded in me but alas.

I'm seriously considering going for some ritual to rid myself of this awful luck. Ahahahha just kidding...or am I? To put it plainly, I'm already a doom-and-gloom pessimist to begin with, so adding superstitious-ness on top of that is not a good combination - it's just a matter of time before I drive myself to an early grave. 

To digress, I can be an awfully frustrating person to be around and this can be attested by many and also the following conversation. Just a prelude: my brother was home for a week during my study break so I was asking him for his calculator as I was sitting for a statistic paper this semester.

Me: Eh, lend me your calculator I need it for stats.

Bro: Use your own lar. You don't have meh?

Me: Got. I have two but what if they both run out of battery. I don't remember the last time I changed the them, I think it was for SPM. Can die ok if halfway they die on me.

Bro: If i give you then I don't have to use ah?

(He's going back to uni before I sit for the paper)

Me: You say you got two what so give me one lar.

Mom: Aiyo, simple. Go change battery lar. 

Me: Cannot!!! What if I go and change then the new batteries the shop give are spoiled and they die on me also?!

* My mom and brother looked at each other exasperatedly and promptly proceed to ignore me -.- *

Suffice to say, I got them changed in the end and much to my relief they didn't die on me. I'm paranoia extraordinaire if you haven't noticed. For spm, I brought in a whole box of newly bought pens, multiple pencils, two rulers, two erasers, etc and i'm still doing this up till now. Few sems back, during one of my finals a lecturer took a pen of mine for this other student whose pen has ran outta ink because my table was the one fully stocked. Lol

So yeah, you get the gist. There's supposed to be a few good things thrown into this post but the word-vomit so far has taken a toll on me and I have forgotten what the point of this post it so yeah byeeeee

P.s: I'll pledge my eternal sunshine-y soul to you if anyone of you get this for me <3

2014's anthem

 

Have you ever felt like everybody’s watching
Waiting for you to lose
Have you ever felt like you’re living in a spot light
Searching for the real you
Tell me have you ever woken up
Just to wish you could close your eyes
Getting hard to find a friend in a city like this
Where you can’t even trust a smile

 There are lonely nights when you see no hope
And you’re feeling short of breath
Like a whole damn world is a braided rope
In a noose around your neck


 Don’t kick the chair
It’s gonna get better
Don’t kick the chair
It can only get better

Have you ever felt love, really really felt love
The kind that could save a life
But right before you know it you find out in a moment
You’re gonna have to say goodbye

 There are lonely nights when you see no hope
And you’re feeling short of breath
Like a whole damn world is a braided rope
In a noose around your neck

Don’t kick the chair
It’s gonna get better
Don’t kick the chair
It can only get better

Yep yep you know
If I can make it through then you can too
Yep yep I’m good focus like always
Feels like I’ve been hit hit hit by ten brick walls
Some people like just sit sit around and wait for you to fall
Then bounce back way quicker than you fell down
Laugh in their face like what
See nothing can break me
No no no no listen

If you gotta think twice about life,
Something really ain't right
You don't need no help,
You can be better all by yourself

This doesnt need a title

Degree so far has been pretty messy and meh. None of the subjects I'm taking this semester seems intriguing enough, except maybe for sports journalism. And I reckon that's only because  I have a kickass lecturer. Hopefully, football will be covered in it though.

The only highlight for the past week is probably this conversation that I had:

"Thanks for helping me getting an A."

"It's nothing, everything's your hard work."

"Yes meh? I think I just got lucky. I didn't even know how to answer one of the definitions."

"No lar. I think you did very well."

"Seriously? You're not just saying this to make me happy?"

"You know I don't give A easily right?"

"Ahahah. Of course. That's why I was so afraid and stressed out"

"Degree is not so easy, some say diploma is just a honeymoon period."

"I know. Which is why I'm quite apprehensive."

"But you can do it."

"I'll try."

" Don't try. I don't want try. You must do it because you're the quality type. You're not the type to be so easily satisfied."

"It's only because of that that I barely had a wink of sleep the day before your assignment submission. ahahah"

"You know, I added one more thing for your juniors."

"What?"

"Source. Now in addition to why and so I also ask them for sources."

"AHAHAHHAHAHHAHAH"

That last part. I can't even begin to imagine how tortured they are in his classes but suffering aside, his classes are really enjoyable.

He's one of the very few lecturer that I like what more respect and I rarely respect any one. I love how he challenged us to think critically and also how it's so easy to converse with him. Compared to many others who dictate us to only follow what they say, he's the only one who kept encouraging me to challenge him instead. 

I believe that everyone needs to meet at least one radical teacher like him in their lifetime. Besides him, the only other lecturers whom I genuinely like can be counted on one hand itself. My awesome drama lecturer who not only brought me to my first play but also treated me vip tickets to the 'Gulliver's Traveller' when it was staged in my campus. She's also the cute one who inquired after my well being upon seeing my whatsapp status (it was actually derived from ATL's lyrics). I mean how cute is that?

I'm quite fond of my copy editing lecturer who is also my ex-programme supervisor. I mean a lecturer who minutes after congratulating you on your well deserved grade asked if you still think he's strict in an adorable manner (after repeatedly hinting in class the that he's not strict because someone *coughmecough* implied it that once. once ) deserves some points in my book.

To be honest, now that they joy of getting 4.00 has wane I'm more happy over the fact that I have actually gotten an A for Malaysian and International Relations. Maybe it's because people rarely get an A for this or maybe it's just that I'm not satisfied of my overall cgpa for diploma. 

Either way, I'm back to being restless and this is not a feeling that I welcome. I need distractions and hopefully what I'm planning to dabble in will give me them.

save your heart for someone who leaves you breathless

Let me introduce to this blog bands that I'm currently head over heels in love with (in no particular order):

p.s: please bear in mind that this is the first part to people whom I'm currently in love with so tune in for more to come. Xox

They tore me apart like a hurricane

What's upsetting me? 

• Malala made me realized that my almost twenty years of living and breathing is a waste.

• Zimmerman's acquittal of trayvon's death baffles, infuriates and saddens me because the state of justice in this world is astoundingly warped.

• The never ending rape culture.

• How some malaysian is satisfied with being given just the only one sweet when a whole friggin sweets factory was first at our disposal if not because of certain ahem

• My cgpa worries have been magnified tenfold because the stakes have been raised much higher.

Poison the hero, back down to zero

It's hard to blog when all I want to do is to fling myself on whoever who'd be willing to listen; clinging desperately on their neck while yakking on and on about how my life is now ever so depressed because the best show ever written on earth is butchered by the insensitivity of an actor (who up until that point, was my favourite and unfortunately still is) and some ridiculous plot line. It's scary how strong a hold on me fiction has. And double that fear if you will, for I'll never learn as I'm diving heart first, yet again, into another show where my favourite has to die and the fact that this is historically true doesn't do much to sway my feelings into a better state than they're currently in.

Six pence none the richer

I have one thousand eight hundred words more to go for my assignment that is due this friday but me being an all or nothing writer (mostly the latter) is finding it terribly difficult to churn out the words for it although it has all been panned out in my mind. And believe me when I say that one thousand and eight hundred words is an easy feat for me if I'm entrench in it. Few semesters back I actually wrote a thousand word essay for the required three hundred and fifty one just because I was in the mood.

The fact is, I have waited five semesters to be able to do this assignment. Five agonizingly long semesters before I was finally learning about the one thing that had fueled my desire for this line of work that I'm venturing into. It's my favourite subject of all and yet now that I'm faced with it, I find myself void of the motivation to actually finish what I have already started.

So here I am, freely blogging out my frustration in words that otherwise just refused to come out when faced with microsoft word.

On a related note, I just don't get people who plagiarize. I mean a blog is your own entity. It's a space where you express your inner most thoughts and feelings without fearing the judgmental look that you'll be getting from your audience. I mean, I wouldn't even whisper half of the things that I blogged about here  to my family and friends even if you forced me at gunpoint.

Which is why I really don't get how you can even entertain the idea of brandishing my words into yours, what more actually doing it. How can you even get it pass your writer self? I get paraphrasing for academic purpose but to use it in a personal context is just a big no for me. To even think about passing off someone's work as my own is enough for me to look down disgustedly on myself so I really really don't understand how  you can do something like this.

Call me petty or overreacting but pray do tell how should I feel when I found out that someone — whom I know and whom I'm pretty sure reads my blog — came up with a blog post with the almost same title with mine and used the same metaphor that I used to express the exact same idea that I conveyed not too long ago here?

I concur that I'm not the most original writer around but I do take my writing seriously. As a matter of fact, I bawl my eyes out sometimes ago because my work was commented to be cliche. And that is just because someone thinks that my story is vaguely not different with those already around and that is not even directly plagiarizing someone else OK.

So yes I am mad but I strongly believe that I have just reasons to feel this way.

In other — more pleasant— news, I have officially been away from facebook for 31795200 seconds as of twelve tonight. And for all you lazy bum who lack the effort to convert them seconds into days, it's 368 days which equals to one year and three days.

I'm going to be honest and confess upfront that it wasn't as easy as I have initially thought it would be.Temptations and seductions from family and friends have many a time made me go, "Ah hell, I give up." and to go on that social networking site only for my resolve to rebuild itself right before I log in.

For that, I believe I deserve a pat on the back, right?

Not going to divulge anymore boring details about my nonexistent relationship with facebook. It's suffice to say that there is definitely no love lost between the two of us. Ranting quota for the day achieved so I'm just going to head back to staring vacantly at my unfinished work but before that here's a picture for you:

I know that it's not very often that I post pictures of myself on this blog (I can even count the number of times that I do so with my two fingers wtf) but I'm making an exception today because I look deliriously happy in this one. This might also just possibly be the happiest captured moment of mine in twenty twelve. Besides, it's not a camwhore picture taken in the toilet so I'll let this one slide.

When I act this way I hope that it's OK

I think I'm growing a backbone.

Figuratively speaking of course. I've noticed that gradually starting from last year I'm no longer such a pushover. I used to be so afraid of offending people that I tended to just agree with whatever people say, cower from voicing out my opinion, saying yes to favours that are really taxing on myself. Unless I hate you then these don't apply. Thinking back I can't believe how pathetic I was. Ugh.

As a matter of fact, I actually politely told the people from SM off for calling me for the third time in a week (although the third phone call could be excused) and that was really a wake up call for me on how much I've changed as a person since I was technically showing a stance against an organization.

The thing was, I had someone from SM called me for two days in a row, the first was to ask  if I was using S3 and when I said no he asked me what's the brand of my phone then the second day he called me again to ask what's the phone model. It was really annoying because on both accounts he called me when I was working. I concur that I'm not working on some super important job like saving the world from aids or working on a cure for cancers but still it's irritating to be called twice for some information that could have been collected from the first phone call itself.

So by the time I got the third phone call from them I was sorta pissed already, granted that the woman was a different person from the guy who called me previously but still. The awkward thing was I actually got the third phone call when I was waiting for my appointment at the dentist so it was kinda weird for other people to be listening in on my conversation but since I was pissed then I didn't take into account of that.

Speaking of which, did you know that I actually harbor fear for dentists. This sounds so cliche but I'm really afraid of going to the dentist. If you're close to me you might think that this fear of mine is so misplaced because hey I'm actually someone who laughs out loud (I just plainly refused to use lol) when I watched horror movies and I absolutely loathe females who scream when they watched that genre of movie because seriously that's just fake.

Who'd actually scream out of fear while watching those horribly manufactured laughter-inducing movie?

Besides, I'm not afraid of insects or lizards with the exception of rats but rats are not in those categories so it's not counted. And those two fears are generally what people mostly associates females' fear with. Stereotypical I know but that's just the society that we live in nowadays. So it might be a tad difficult to fathom how I'm afraid of  a person with a profession that involves dental care. I don't know what my fear stemmed from as I didn't have any horrible experience with dental on the whole but for as long as I remembered I have always been afraid of the dentist, even back then when I didn't used to go for checkups regularly.

Anyway, fears aside, dentist definitely topped my list of the most disgusting job ever.

Playing shoots and ladder

I cannot fathom how unbelievably chinese my brother is.

Yet when I think about it, I realized that I'm the least chinese one in the family so maybe I'm adopted. This calls for a whole lengthy blogpost to explain on the why but I find that I can't be bothered to do so, so some other day when I'm more in the mood perhaps.

Then again, I'm rarely in the mood to do anything nowadays so it might take a while.

I'm in danger of being dubbed as a social recluse as all I've been doing since the start of this semester break was to hole up in my room with my trusted lappy, hard drive, phone and books. Being in the age where many might say is the peak of my life I'm finding myself more and more disinclined to go out and socialize  A fact that I know for sure peers my age would frown and shake their heads on but then again why would one be bothered about one insignificant lil me.

To be honest, even I acknowledge the fact that yours truly behaves like an eighty years old woman who lives with her nineteen cats but I hate cats and if I do have to end up as a spinster I would choose to live with shelves and shelves of books rather than living beings as I am a misanthropist like that.

So, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted by my wayward thoughts on how I hate the world, I've developed a slightly more than fanaticism towards my bedroom and wouldn't it be nice if I get to live in my bedroom for the rest of forever. I mean a four wall (although there's more than four walls in my room) sanctuary where I'm shielded from the proverbial cold, unforgiving and often scary world of reality. Of course I'd rather just stay in this comfortable haven of mine with my books to keep me company.

With that said, don't you agree that life would be a lot simpler if one do not need to eat, sleep, study, earn money, spend said money, stress on said spending and the cycle repeats. Wouldn't one be a lot more content if all we need in life is to read and breathe books? Wouldn't that be a very fictional life to live?

A make believe but what's wrong with a dose of play pretend because nothing bad ever happens to the protagonist or if it does everything will end in happily ever after. Isn't that what we all grow up believing in?

Truth to be told, I myself don't get what the purpose of this post is other than the need to pen down all the intermittent thoughts who have found it in themselves to bug the life out of me. Short thought provoking questions that have been weighing down on my sense of happiness and contentment but nothing worse than the drama that has been happening around me.

Or maybe this state of ambivalence of mine is brought on by the fact that Chinese New Year is less than a month away. Only god knows how much I hate this celebration, if this sorry excuse to spend a lengthy amount of time with the relatives who I've been gifted, or in this case cursed, with can be called a celebration.

And this is one of the reasons why I'm a travesty excuse of a chinese: I absolutely detest the one sacred celebration that normal chinese look forward to.

Don't get me wrong because I do love the angpau part. Which sane person who knows the worth of these bills wouldn't? I just hate the time that I have to spend on these unnecessary people. It would be bearable if I have a semblance of indifference towards them but I actually hate these people with fervour and passion so I absolutely abhor this celebration that screams of bright red colour and loud noisy music.

And for all of those politically correct dumbasses who would like to comment on how if I hate these people I should refrain from getting the monies from said relatives, I beg to differ. If I have to spend my precious time away from doing what I wanted to do and in its place spend it with people whom I dislike, these monies are just a small compensation.

Besides, money is everything in this dog eat dog world. If I don't take them it's not gonna prove any of my stances but would rather only illustrate on how stupid I am.

Yup I'm a hypocrite but when have I ever said that I'm not.

*

P.s:  Before any cat lovers hunt me down I would like to clarify that I don't exactly hate cats - not that I love them either - I was just elaborating my point. Although I've gotta say that I find animals way cuter when I don't have to take care of them, pet them and just ooh and aah-ing over their cuteness from afar, preferably behind a monitor screen. Tsk tsk tsk kids with technology these days /shakes head/

White Vandalism

I vandalize for the first time.

But before I go into more details about it I shall digress and give a prelude as to why I'm actually posting this. Few months ago I was lamenting to my brother about this depressing blog that I was reading at that time and guess what he told me? He said, "Your blog also the same lar." Excuse me?Just because my blog is wordy and often without vain pictures of me posing in the bloody toilet, it doesn't bloody mean that it's depressing OK.

Hence the birth of this post instead of keeping this in the memory archives of mine that will only be shared with family and close friends.This will be a blog testament of how my blog is not depressing and also to show a different side of me that you might not know about. (and no hannah, I'm not a depressing uptight person all the time, I can do spontaneous and fun too. You just don't know it because you zap the fun outta me. OK OK I'm just kidding so please don't leave me with the sharks for assignments next semester.)

Back to the topic on hand, I did something totally spontaneous, fun and sorta mean today. I'm actually proud of this spur of the moment feat of mine because I haven't been going with the flow for a while now.

Anyway, between the last two classes that I have today is a one and half hour break. We sometimes go out for lunch during this period but since it was only the two of us ( me and Zinc)  today we decided to just lepak in one of the empty classroom near our last class.

After grabbing a bite, we went to our usual empty classroom which is right beside where my last class would commence since my tutor is particularly stringent about tardiness. But lo and behold, all the classrooms today were occupied and instead of heading back to the canteen I decided to try our luck by scouring for empty classrooms on the floor above.

While going through the first floor, we came across this room which at that time I presume to be occupied lar since there was music seeping out of the door. There was also this A4 size paper that was stuck on the door. Upon closer inspection, I realize that whoever who wrote this must have terrible english because he/she wrongly spelled something that was so easy; a mistake which I'm sure a primary school kid wouldn't commit.

So I turned to zinc, asked her for a pen (which she comply by giving me a red one no less) went to the door and cancelled off the alphabets that shouldn't be there. While I was happily doing it, THE DOOR ACTUALLY OPENED AND ON INSTINCT I RAN FOR MY LIFE !!!

Okay, so technically I just ran to the other end of the block but still it's running OK!

Panting and slightly out of breath, I looked back over my shoulder at the crime scene and found that the guy who came out of the door a few seconds ago - who scared me shitless too btw - wasn't there anymore so I said to Zinc, "Wait for me. I'm going to finish what I started." in which she gave me disbelief cum wtf look and said "You still wanna do it?"

Well of course.

A job half done is never in the description of who I am so riding on the rush of adrenaline, I walked back to the said door and finished off what I started by writing the correct spelling on top of the wrong one, took a picture and fled as fast as my short stumpy legs could bring me.

If you are following me on instagram, twitter or tumblr you would know what I'm talking about since I posted the picture of my vandalism there but if you don't here is my artwork in red :

Truth to be told, I feel kinda mean and guilty afterwards and not to mention my fear that those people in the classroom would somehow find out that I'm the perpetrator and would then proceed to chase me off the college compound with brooms and torch but y'know that is just me being me with my over thinking and colourful imagination.

But now that I'm sitting here typing this, with of all the aforementioned emotions being washed away by the hours between, I find that I'm actually happy with what I've done and honestly a lil proud too.

Why? Because #1 Spelling error is one of my pet peeves of all time and I am with the notion that if you are going to write/publish/post something that can be seen by the public then please make sure that what you're writing/publishing/posting is correct in all sense of the word. And if in order to not publicly humiliate yourself you have to google the spelling of 'entrance' then so be it. Google is there for a reason.

#2 I have actually done something without over analyzing it. It's has been ages since I last did something without taking that piece of thought/fact/event to go over it again and again in my head, weighing the pros and cons, predicting the possible outcomes to only end up not doing anything. The usual me would have commented on the spelling error, produced the idea of doing this vandalism to only chicken out and not do it. That is me but today I've actually went through with it so yes it might be mean but no I don't regret doing it.

Oh, and for those of you who wondered why this post is titled white vandalism it is because I figured that if white lies are lies that you tell for the person's benefit then this vandalism of mine is an act of benevolent too because I'm doing it for the writer's benefit.

At least now he/she knows how to spell entrance.

Heavy heart, now a weightless cloud

I can finally breathe again.

It's not fully back to normal yet, but it's less erratic than the past two weeks and it can be safe to say that I wouldn't be having anymore panic attacks (at least not in the coming six days of holidays, yay!)

It has been fourteen whirlwind days packed with college, work, assignments, exam and presentations. It was such a hectic fortnight that I have lost count of the times that my temper would flare up, erupt and scald the people around me.For that I'm sorry, but to have one assignment thrust upon you after another and especially with the tight deadline between them it can easily drive the sanest person crazy.

To recap: I had just finished off a mid-term test, wrote an 1800 words analysis based on an in-depth interview about Malaysia's media system, handed in my moral group assignment, did another 3100 words analysis on Malaysia's Constitution (pair work), delivered a presentation on how feature writing differs from news, columns, and editorials which was then followed up by another presentation on said constitution analysis assignment and wrapped it all up by preparing and conducting a classroom activity on broadcast industry (pair work). And all these are notwithstanding the average tutorial questions in classes and journals to read up on.

Oh, and did I mention that the three presentations were all in a single day?

Well, that was how the last two weeks whiz by me. Although most of the assignments are either group or pair work but the effort and time that I had put into those assignments had exerted me beyond measures. I was so stressed out for the past two weeks over the assignments that I barely have enough time to sleep, what more breathe.

In retrospect, I didn't breathe at all during that period of time. The mountainous stack of to do's lists were driving me up the walls that on the whole I was veering dangerously close to hyperventilating especially when one glitch after another road bump kept popping up.

I even rushed out of mid-shower once just to text my group mate in order to check with her if what we were doing was right. That was how tensed I was during the whole ordeal. I worried about how to do the assignments, whether we have adequate time to do it, if we're doing it right.... and being the paranoid pessimist person that I am there are a million more to this list than I've let on but I'm not going to subject you to the terror of my endless what if's.

So yes, this is just a short post to commemorate that I've survived these challenging and inhumane weeks of my college life. Also, I have to add that this semester is the toughest one to date and so I'm immensely glad that I've weathered through it and came out alive.

Several couple hours less of sleep but nevertheless still intact.

Food, need I say more.

*Edited because there was a whole para-typo before this*

Wasn't going to post anything today because I'm absolutely up to my neck with assignments. Besides I'm actually typing this now at the college library. Idk if it's just me but I can only blog within the confines of my room and only using my laptop. I just find it really difficult to express myself using public properties eventhough it's actually the same web interface but I'm just weird awesome like that.

Anyway, since I'm stuck at the library because of the rain and I have absolutely nothing to do - I can actually go on tumblr but seeing pics of Germany NT is still giving me heartache plus I couldn't retrieve my gmail password to update my twitter background so I shall make a quick post here instead.

Needless to say these are all amateurish food pictures that I'm passing off as foodporn because instagram is awesome like that.

#Creamy Mushroom pasta, macaroons and eggplant zucchini: These are all from Levain, KL. Personally the food was good although Levain are more renowned for their baked goods. I have a truck lot of pictures from Levain that I'm tempted to do a food review  on them (haven't done food reviews in ages since I last deleted all my blog posts) so no lengthy description on this one.

#Protein Shakes & K-bar: I usually have this if I work out in the morning but since my timetable is a bitch this semester, I haven't been working out. I still have K-bar for breakfast though just not the protein shake because it's a hassle.

#Organic blueberry cereals & apple: This was what I had for dinner the other day. I know this looks more like a breakfast meal but one can only have so many take-out foods for dinner before you get sick of it so a healthy meal like these is a welcome change. Plus, staying at hostel has really warped my eating habits.

#Authentic Korean Food: Had this at Korean Village in Ampang. The shop name is Hanwoori and I gladly recommend this shop if you are after non-commercialized korean food that doesn't cost you a bomb. Btw, this meal was a courtesy of the lady-boss because coincidentally it was her birthday when we went for lunch that day and since my friend is on friendly terms with her and because she hadn't breaken her fast yet, she joined us for the meal and eventually treated us. Free food is awesome but because we were plagued with guilt as the tab wasn't cheap, we got her cakes from Ampang Point later on.

#Sushi King Bonanza: Had these sushis during the last bonanza, not the recent one. We went all the way to Times Square to have this because we heard that the Sushi King outlet nearby our college had people lining up even before the shop was open. Gotta say that the sushi wasn't remarkable and the only reason I went for it was because it was cheap. And if you have noticed, I have a totally quaint way of eating sushi; I usually finish up the rice before I have a go at the sashimi.

#Margarita: Drinks are not exactly food but because this drink literally gave me hell, hence, I think it deserves a mention. To digress, I'm not a huge fan of alcohol and I don't usually drink beer because I hate the taste of them. I like cider though and cocktails are fine by me. Anyway, had a hell of a time drinking this at Geographer's Cafe, Malacca becaue I had ulcer then and the salt didn't help. In fact, I actually experience the old adage of adding salt to the wound with this drink.

#Penne with poached salmon: This was my birthday lunch with bestie at La Bodega. The portion was huge but the salmon wasn't fresh and the tapas that we ordered never came so yeah... I was actually menu-pressurized into ordering this. I had wanted steak sandwich and in fact had ordered it before I succumb to the power of menu-pressuring and changed my order into this one #fml Wish that I had went with my guts instead because steak sandwich actually look more yummy.

#TGIF: I'm too lazy to list out all we the food that we had but this was my belated birthday dinner. The sandwich was pretty good but others so and so only. Oh, and I absolutely adore their mashed potatoes. The best I've had.

#Diner food: Milkshake and chili fries are exceptionally good but the main course was just bleh. You have no idea how happy I was when I found out about this dinner tucked in a corner nearby Masjid Jamek lrt. I actually hyperventilated when I found out about this shop and pathetically begged my brother and friends to go there with me. Eventually I went there with another bestie of mine for my birthday this year.  The online reviews said that their burgers are good but because these was what the waitress recommended, we ordered these instead. All I can say is that I should have went with my guts and ordered the beef burger instead.

There are tons more food picture to post but the rain has stopped and the prospect of eating real food is much more tempting than posting pictures of food on my blog so I'll just stop here.


Till then, xoxo.

Of bridesmaid fear wtf

I'm down with fever, flu and cough which should be suffice a reason for the huge ass picture below. Being sick always compel me to do something which I will inevitably regret later on. Cue: Huge ass picture and random blogpost. If you have been reading my blog for some time now, I'm sure you'll have come to the conclusion that I only blog long wordy post that serve as cathartic outlet for me.

And unfortunately reading my blog often means wasting your time on these lengthy, indirect and picture-less (oh the horror!) blog posts of mine. I mean those would have been acceptable if they are entertaining, right? But they are not so I understand perfectly if you decide to click on the red x button on the upper right hand corner of your computer screen.

Ok why am I blogging like I actually do have readers when the truth is I don't? *hides in corner and cries from dejection*

OK. OK. So, I have officially gone nuts but in my defense, I'm really sick so...

(Read from bottom to top)

Anyway, lack of readers aside, this picture is a compilation of what I tweeted in twitter the other day. Somehow, reading about all your favourite bloggers getting married or preparing to get married can germinate some kind of irrational-bridesmaid-fear in one. Or maybe it's just me because as the world now knows: yours truly do not have that many a friend. Sad, right?

Not really.

I can't really be bothered by it unless the church bells are ringing in my ear but they are not so I'll just ignore this anti-social habit of mine till someone actually wants to marry me and only then I'll start worying or I'll just bribe people in becoming my friend/bridesmaids for the day.

In rumination, I seriously do not get why people bothered with all the traditional hoohaa (regardless race and religion) when they decided to tie the knot. For me, wedding and marriage is a matter of two people who have come to the conclusion that they want to spend their lives together in a legally binding commitment. If that is the case, then why bother with what so-and-so says we must do or what so-and-so dictates our wedding to be. To hell with it.

If I ever do get married, all I'll have is a simple quaint wedding with just my immediate family members around. To hell with the nine-course-mediocre-food banquet filled with annoying-and-often-unknown relatives whom I have develop a fondness to hate. I even told my mom this idea of mine and being the traditional chinese mother that she is, I had expected her to go "You mad ar? I'll disown you if you do that" on me but amazingly she actually agrees with me that those traditional hooha are actually a waste of money, time and effort.

So traditional chinese wedding to hell you go and quaint beach side wedding here I come!!! That is if anyone is actually willing to marry this obstinate, unreasonable, paranoid, emotionally detached, antisocial, mean, egoistical, crude and pessimistic person that I am.

On an unrelated note, I think that one of the signs that you're no longer being blinded or fooled by Hollywood's glam is when you read about the allegedly  judges feud between Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj on American Idol and you instantly knew that it's just another pathetic attempt from the producer to raise the rating of the show. And for those that genuinely believe the story, you can gladly go and jump down the Klang river or something because it's such a blatantly obvious move that the blind would have seen through it too.

This will definitely be a post that I'll cringe to see after I'm done floating on a cough-syrup and coconut water induced stupor so I might as well just end this post with a very embarrassing conversation that I had in lecture yesterday.  Btw, I really don't get what is so funny about it or maybe I just don't get it because I'm sick. But it's seriously not funny lor.

Lecturer: Anymore questions?

Me: How do you develop reliable sources?

Lecturer: By making friends.

Me: How do you make friends?

Class: *erupts into laughter*

See. What is so funny about that?! I seriously do not get what why they started laughing but before I embarrass myself further, I'll just stop here in case I scare away what little readers that I actually have (if there's any left) with my insanity illness.  Kthxbai.


P.s: Ignore my spelling and grammar errors if there is any because let me reiterate again: I am sick so pardon me if my english is not up to par. 

Sleeping beauty mayhap?

I sleep.

That's my coping mechanism during exam period. That is what I do when I'm too stressed out of striving for that lil bit more of perfection yet unable to just let it go. I sleep so that I don't have to be awake when my conscience kick in and hammers me with the millions of "No study, no 4.00 gpa." I sleep so that I wouldn't be consciously worrying about how my procrastination habit will ruin my attempt at finally scoring what I really need. And I sleep so that I will block out the clock in the back of my mind that is ticking away precious time.

That is just one of the nuances that made up who I am.

I still remember I struggled so very hard during secondary five. It's not with the subjects that I wage my battle with for it's often than not that I declared war with myself. For it is I and not others that often pushed myself away. During that time, I couldn't cope with the expectation that I was piling high up onto myself. I couldn't come to terms that it's okay if I don't make it and so I ran. The nearer it was to SPM, the farther I ran. When people around me were busy doing revisions on the eleventh hour, I was still reclining in my dreamland telling myself that "It's OK! I still have time."

When time is indeed the only thing that I'm running out of.

Finally, when I really got on to the fact that I don't have time anymore, I went full on panic mode. And sadly to say, I gave up. I gave up because it was easier to do so than keep on fighting. I let go of my goals because I had lost hope; an essence which had been seeping off me at every moment that I closed my eyes and drift off the stress-free land called dream.

However, if sleeping as a coping mechanism is a part of me than scoring infinitely better from the product of very-last-minute revision is another parcel of me too. Despite what others may say about how last-minute revision should be prevented at best and avoided at worse, it works fine with me. Maybe it's the adrenaline rush that is coursing through me when I only really study - at best - few hours before the paper. Or maybe it is finally the realization that time is indeed running out. Whichever it is, I find myself to score better when I procrastinate till the very last minute, be it exams or assignments.

Despite what I am perspicuously insinuating here, this is not a habit of mine that I'm particularly proud of. The reason is simple. Because I might not get that lucky every single time. Nobody can score a high distinction on every single paper that he or she studied only hours before the exam commencement. Nobody is that lucky for the universe is just not that kind.

And because of that simple reasoning itself,  I shall endeavour to buck up my result this time by not waiting till three hours before the exam to only start studying. But I will still continue to sleep if only so that I will forget all about my self induced stress even if it's an hour too many of superfluous sleep.

It's a mad, mad world, gotta make an escape

In the midst of courting after that lil bit more of perfection. 

I'd like to make myself believe

random pictures that i took over the months;

#1 Casts of Petaling Street Warrior in Aeon Bukit Tinggi.

#2 The ♥ of my life! 

#3 My hair bands collection.

#4 CNY '12 seafood lunch at Port Klang.

#5 Le nail polishes.

#6 My brochure assignment for IEP Practical.

#7 Zee college newspaper.

#8 A day trip to Radio Televisyen Malaysia (RTM).

#9 Turquoise and black crackle nail polish

#10 Boom - An explosive romantic comedy; the first play I've ever watch and definitely not the last.

#11 Kuala Lumpur Performing Arts Centre.

#12 Name cards; Celebrity Fitness (up) & IEP travel assignment (down).

A rock of trust

It was exhilarating to be on top of the world - to be so high up on your own that one can actually revel in the beauty of heights despite the sweaty palms and the occasional "What if I slip and die?" question popping up now and then. It was a feeling that I definitely basked in until I realized that I have to get back down, not by climbing, but by putting my life in the hands of someone else; to trust my life on that rope that was connected between me and that person. That was when I know that I'm screwed several feet above the ground because I just couldn't let go of the artificial boulder of rocks that I'm holding my dear life on and that no one would be there to help me down but myself and the knots of rope around my waist that I was staring dubiously at.

And that was how my virginal experience with rock climbing was.

Indoor Rock Climbing at Camp 5, 1 Utama

Rock climbing has always been one of the many things in my bucket list and despite several planning to do it over the years, me and my buds just never seem to be able to materialize on our promise to do it until last Friday. To reimburse ourselves for the plethora of disappointment that we felt on our failed trip to Penang, we went for the rock climbing taster session, a short night out at Solaris Mont Kiara and finally a sleepover at K's house. It didn't exactly make up for the trip that I had been longing for but it feels really good to catch up with my two best friends.

Rock climbing; a sport that I had always deem to be easy to handle because I mean 'All you have to do is just climb some rocks, how hard will that be?" Well, I got my answer last friday: very hard. It might look easy but to latch your whole body weight on to your hand while defying gravity to climb several feet above ground is no simple task at all. Especially when the only thing that is standing between you and falling is the artificial rock that you're holding on to. Oh, and did I mention that most of those artificial rocks are tiny and in certain places, they are few and far apart which means that you have to literally go spiderman on them (pls do ignore my bad metaphor)

The worst part for me would be the part where I have to get down. Being in the taster session means that we have a coach with us during the whole session. He/she would be there to guide and teach you. Basically when you climb, you will be connected to your coach through the rope that is tied between your harness and him/her so when you need to get down, all you have to do is to bend your leg in an 'L' shape, release your hand from the rock, relax and trust your coach to guide you down. It sounds simple, right? NO. Because when you're really up there and you are asked to let go of the only thing that is stopping you from falling down, you will find yourself unable to let go even when you're repeatedly told to.

I remember vividly the first time that I have to get down; I was instructed to do according to the said instruction but no matter how much I was coaxed by the others and myself to just let go and trust him (the coach), I couldn't. Not because I don't want to but because I just can't do it. I just couldn't put that much trust into someone else that I have just meet less than an hour ago even when I'm repeatedly told that he wouldn't fuck around with my life. Eventually, I did get down but it by no means meant that I have gotten over my fear of letting go and trusting someone else. It will take time and a lot of effort but I don't think so I'm giving up on rock climbing anytime soon because this is definitely one of the few sports that I enjoy.

P.s: Rock climbing is definitely not for the faint hearted or one with acrophobia.

Our memories aren't that reliable.

i deactivated my facebook account last thursday.

why?

because i feel trapped. trapped in a circular cage where i have no corner to hide from the tentacles of my past that is enshrouding me in a cloud of misery. i feel suffocated whenever i log into facebook and the disdain and contempt that sprout from me were inevitable and bordering from unhealthiness onto insanity that it is the best for everyone if i just deactivate it.

i was going through my high school yearbooks last night and i felt numb; emotionless. looking through the pictures of where and whom i spent the five years of my life in and i felt nothing. not that i was surprised by my emotions or the lack of it because that's just who i am — i have problem attaching myself to anything/anyone but that is another post for another time.

i never stick to anything or anyone long enough for me to develop feelings or the want of attachment to them but for a few rare cases in which i was sorely disappointed. i never missed anything from my past and i can assure you that there's ton of things there that others would have deem them worthy of reminiscing about but not me because i move on from people/places/things faster than you can blink an eye.

i'm a cold hearted bitch not because i have no feelings but because i feel too much.

and hence keeping my facebook account alive is like tying myself back to my past with chains and locks and then throwing away the keys. they say that life is like a book where each chapter is a phase in your life which will bound to happen and which will also eventually end. facebook is a phase that i have long overgrown from and yet never ended because i left the pages open and i felt that it's finally time for me to move on from that phase and so i deactivated it. i couldn't bring myself to delete the account because of the pictures that are in it but it's going to be eon before you see me activating it again.

TFS

i realized that my blog is filled with heavy, non interesting and sometimes downright depressing stuff and teamed up with no photos it's no wonder why my blog's a bore.

so in order to lighten up my blog with bright neon lights i'm going to dedicate this post to what i did last thursday, friday and saturday which is mundane, boring and which you guys probably don't give a damn about but hey i'm pretty sure that one prefers that over long winded post filled with many a words by one at attempting to figure out the context of life,right?

oh and for those of you that haven't figure out what TFS is, it stands for thursday,friday and saturday. it's a stupidly lame title but i couldn't figure out one which is more apt for this post so TFS it is.

Thursday

so on thursday i decided to whip out the apron and spatula to show off my awesome culinary skills. #likeaboss

my version of spaghetti carbonara

which turn out to be not that awesome after all: my first attempt at making spaghetti aglio olio based on the recipe that my ex-colleague told me a year ago was edible but the flavouring was urghhh. then i attempted to make my own version of spaghetti carbonara which was partially tasty. anyway i miscalculated the portion for the spaghetti because i thought i was cooking for two (my mom and me) but right after i finished cooking my mom told me that she's not having any of the lunch i prepared because 1) she already had something to eat since i woke up so late and 2) my spaghetti look horrible so i was left with a whole pot of spaghetti and even after having it for dinner there's still a ton of it left so to finish it off i inveigled my mom to have it for her dinner by laying down the guilt trap and of course by blackmailing le brother to have it too.

conclusion of the day? le brother definitely hogged all my mom's cooking genes and left me with none.

Friday

on friday i was terribly sick. i had been having sore throat since the night before which is a bad omen because to me, a sore throat is usually followed up by fever. it's like my immune system alerts me of my impending sickness by making my throat as dry and hoarse as sandpaper. knowing that i was going to fall sick soon i slept around 10pm on thursday night—which is very early for me during sem break because i usually sleeps around 1am during this period— but to no avail because i woke up around 4am feeling hot and cold at the same time and i felt so tired and my bones ached so much and my throat felt even worse. and being the filial person that i know i am i did not wake my mom up, instead i bundled myself up under four layers of blanket and went back to sleep. i know that this post is a mundane and boring post but i'm not that evil to bore you people to death by elaborating the minute details of this boring and mundane friday of my life so all i'm going to elucidate is that all i did for this day was sleep and played bubble puzzle because i was as sick as a dog.

don't ask how i can still play games while i was being sick for the answer is very the simple: there's only so much sleeping you can do in 24hours.

Saturday

felt better upon waking up but i'm still not going to bore you guys about my recovery so instead i'll just say that i wrapped up my saturday night with holly golightly and paul varjak (:

breakfast at tiffany's ♥

on a side note, there's a new addition in my household:

Hi! my name's bella and i'm the bitch that whines incessantly when i'm not fed or when i'm neglected to be brought out to pee and poop (;

p.s: okay so there's a cuter and less depressing photo of bella which i posted in fb and twitter but it's a vertical photo and i just can't stand vertical photo/pictures in my blog. i just can't stand it period. so you just have to bear with a depressing bella in my blog for a while or at least till the next time i snap a horizontal shot of a cheerful and non depressing bella which might take a while

Home is where the heart is

8 things i realized/rediscovered about myself while packing:

• i always thought that i started writing when i was 16 but then i discovered this red and purple notebook hidden between junks of mine that told me otherwise; it seems that i started writing when i was seven; it was a crappy love story centered between two sisters and a guy and amazingly it was written in bm.
• i have various ambitions; when i was 7 i wanted to be a nurse then i wanted to be a police or a teacher. then i envisage myself as a lawyer and up until f3, i had wanted to be either a lawyer or a photographer.
• i used to write diaries like nobody's business up until i was fourteen and gosh rereading what you wrote daily when you're a mere child/infatuated teen is so damn embarrassing. also my english were horrible; the spelling, the grammar etc. it also reminds me who i used to be before things happened.
• i have more clothes than one could ask for and yet i don't have anything to wear.
• i used to be a BIG fan of taiwanese drama; as in those sappy love stories which more or less have the same story line but different casts. and i actually collects newspaper cuttings, badges, stickers and posters of my favorite drama.i don't know when i stopped watching them but the only taiwanese drama I watched nowadays are the long winded hokkien drama which have different story line but same casts (the irony!).
• ten years of my life could be packed up in only five boxes and three of 'em are filled with books.
• i'm definitely a girly girl when i was young. i used to love pink and barbie doll. i have about eleven to twelve barbie dolls and tons of barbie doll merchandises. i remember that up until i was eleven, whenever i scored academically i would ask for a new barbie doll. i even attended barbie's birthday in 1u once. unfortunately i gave them all away for this move. i had wanted to keep one but i just couldn't pick one and i feel unfair for the rest that i have to give away so in the end i gave up all of them.
• amazingly after spending ten years of my life living there i don't miss the house but the people whom i would be leaving behind.