i'll never tell you what I saw or how it made me breathe.

James lee is a brilliant man. How can he not be when he managed to evoke such strong emotions with only the usage of very simple plot and script. The sublime beauty of this film is that he is absolutely right: there is no love more beautiful and poignant than unrequited ones.

The elation of falling, the fear of rejection, the uncertainties, even the heartbreak. Nothing spells tragic better than one sided love because it is a mishap for one to fall for another who doesn't reciprocate.

A tragedy I would say but a beautiful one at that.

Of bridesmaid fear wtf

I'm down with fever, flu and cough which should be suffice a reason for the huge ass picture below. Being sick always compel me to do something which I will inevitably regret later on. Cue: Huge ass picture and random blogpost. If you have been reading my blog for some time now, I'm sure you'll have come to the conclusion that I only blog long wordy post that serve as cathartic outlet for me.

And unfortunately reading my blog often means wasting your time on these lengthy, indirect and picture-less (oh the horror!) blog posts of mine. I mean those would have been acceptable if they are entertaining, right? But they are not so I understand perfectly if you decide to click on the red x button on the upper right hand corner of your computer screen.

Ok why am I blogging like I actually do have readers when the truth is I don't? *hides in corner and cries from dejection*

OK. OK. So, I have officially gone nuts but in my defense, I'm really sick so...

(Read from bottom to top)

Anyway, lack of readers aside, this picture is a compilation of what I tweeted in twitter the other day. Somehow, reading about all your favourite bloggers getting married or preparing to get married can germinate some kind of irrational-bridesmaid-fear in one. Or maybe it's just me because as the world now knows: yours truly do not have that many a friend. Sad, right?

Not really.

I can't really be bothered by it unless the church bells are ringing in my ear but they are not so I'll just ignore this anti-social habit of mine till someone actually wants to marry me and only then I'll start worying or I'll just bribe people in becoming my friend/bridesmaids for the day.

In rumination, I seriously do not get why people bothered with all the traditional hoohaa (regardless race and religion) when they decided to tie the knot. For me, wedding and marriage is a matter of two people who have come to the conclusion that they want to spend their lives together in a legally binding commitment. If that is the case, then why bother with what so-and-so says we must do or what so-and-so dictates our wedding to be. To hell with it.

If I ever do get married, all I'll have is a simple quaint wedding with just my immediate family members around. To hell with the nine-course-mediocre-food banquet filled with annoying-and-often-unknown relatives whom I have develop a fondness to hate. I even told my mom this idea of mine and being the traditional chinese mother that she is, I had expected her to go "You mad ar? I'll disown you if you do that" on me but amazingly she actually agrees with me that those traditional hooha are actually a waste of money, time and effort.

So traditional chinese wedding to hell you go and quaint beach side wedding here I come!!! That is if anyone is actually willing to marry this obstinate, unreasonable, paranoid, emotionally detached, antisocial, mean, egoistical, crude and pessimistic person that I am.

On an unrelated note, I think that one of the signs that you're no longer being blinded or fooled by Hollywood's glam is when you read about the allegedly  judges feud between Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj on American Idol and you instantly knew that it's just another pathetic attempt from the producer to raise the rating of the show. And for those that genuinely believe the story, you can gladly go and jump down the Klang river or something because it's such a blatantly obvious move that the blind would have seen through it too.

This will definitely be a post that I'll cringe to see after I'm done floating on a cough-syrup and coconut water induced stupor so I might as well just end this post with a very embarrassing conversation that I had in lecture yesterday.  Btw, I really don't get what is so funny about it or maybe I just don't get it because I'm sick. But it's seriously not funny lor.

Lecturer: Anymore questions?

Me: How do you develop reliable sources?

Lecturer: By making friends.

Me: How do you make friends?

Class: *erupts into laughter*

See. What is so funny about that?! I seriously do not get what why they started laughing but before I embarrass myself further, I'll just stop here in case I scare away what little readers that I actually have (if there's any left) with my insanity illness.  Kthxbai.


P.s: Ignore my spelling and grammar errors if there is any because let me reiterate again: I am sick so pardon me if my english is not up to par. 

'Cause you ripped me off, your love was cheap

I don't do love/crush/infatuation.

At least not anymore. Because I hate that feeling of vulnerability. That feeling of desperation in you, just to have a glimpse of him - even if it's just a passing glance; the happiness that bubbled up when you saw him and the dejection that overwhelms you when you don't. I also abhor how that one person will easily managed to crowd in on all your thoughts until all you could think of was him.

How he is there at the edge of your conscience when you decide what to wear, what to eat, what to talk about and what to do. It just spells pathetic. I'm not pathetic. I'm wayyyy over that stage and I don't want to go back there.

I don't want to go back to the old me where I would happily relinquish the power over myself to someone else, because I have grown wiser. I'm smart enough now to know that it's just plain stupid to hand over your heart and your emotions on a gold platter to someone else. Someone who can easily break them into millions over shattered pieces with just one of their cruel words or ignorant glance. Foolish isn't it? To depend your whole well-being on some stranger.

You guys reminded me that I'm won't be the only one to give over the hold on myself. That the other person would give me the same power over their feelings and heart too. But what if I'm the only one who cares? What happens when I fell for someone who don't fall back for me? Then wouldn't I be the only one who resigned myself to the endless heartache, sorrow and self-pity? What happens then?

I can tell you in vivid details what will happen, I'll become a shell of myself. One who mope around with my unrequited love. One who drains the happiness and joy of those around me. I would be so out of self-esteem that I will undeniably question myself every second of the day. And that is a self-deprecating phase that took years for me to crawl out from. 

And all that for what? A crush that will probably last a few weeks, but will damaged my confidence and happiness for years to come. Or a relationship that will last a few months but will morph me into a more insecure and damaged person than I already am.

Hence, I vow to not go back there anymore and yet you came, at the wrong time for all the wrong reasons. You  showed up when I was warned to stay away from this ludicrous game called love. You walked into my life when I'm already content and happy with everything else.

And worse of all, you evoke some dormant feelings in me that I never want to feel again. You might have -just might - have made me develop a minuscule crush on you and I hate myself for it because it scared the hell outta me.

the two links

george carlin once quoted that inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist and now sitting here, at nearly 3am in the morning, typing this entry i wonder if this idealist is me? had i been so severely disappointed by life that it had jaded my views on it? or did my virgo instinct compounded by my perfectionist nature and mercurial attitude kick in during inopportune time to mold me into this person who is constantly critical of the motives of others? the reason behind this post is that i've just watched chris medina's audition for ai (its more than a tad too late) and read about xiaxue's love story (also about two years too late) and pondered about being too cynical in my views of life and love. both scenarios portray love story that are too good to be true — stories that one might have thought that they were being fabricated from one of disney's many fairytales, easily found in fictions but never in reality.

one is of a guy who stood by his fiancee through thick and thin and till death do us part; a guy who choose to sticks around with his fiancee who suffered from traumatic brain injury, miraculously survive and yet stands a slim chance of being who she was before instead of fleeing at the earliest chance to find the next love of his life; a guy who some says define what love really is. and the latter is of a guy who risks everything he has to travel and finally settles down across the globe for a girl whom he stumbled upon on the net. i'm not going to lie and say that these stories do not touch me because if it don't then there wouldnt be this post at all but neither am i going to make a big confession and proclaim that they changed my cynical view that this world is not monochrome but filled with rainbow colours of joy because it didn't.

because seriously how many people out there, notwithstanding genders, are willing to do what these two people did? how many so-called 'true love' out there can still actually stand strong in spite of the inevitable hardships, obstacles, difficulties and such? : not many.

truth to be told, i'm still a lil too bemused to sort through the jumble of emotions and thoughts of mine to search for the real reason behind this post, but through the sleepiness that's fogging through my brain and my eyelids that are threatening to shut down any time soon, one reason that i can only think of now is that this post is solely for my own benefit for who knows maybe ten/twenty years from now this post can be use to either support or refute my cynical sentiments.

And I'm not coming around again

it's minute things like this that makes me crave for a relationship. i don't need a whirlwind romance that last momentarily. i need a relationship that last with someone whom i can depend my life on. i don't need fancy presents or sweet words from you because sometimes all i need is to lie with you on the couch and just watch tv in utter silence. i don't want you to be a prince charming on a white horse, i just need you to be real. someone whom i'm totally comfortable with. someone whom i can share the rest of my life with by doing menial things together. someone who will finally be able to understand me for who i am and love me for it just the same. it's a lot to demand for in someone but i just can't settle for anything less.