Thursday, November 24, 2011

of three years ago

i remember there were once in my life when i kept ranting on and on about how love hurts and how much i had been wounded in relationships and sorts. it was about three years ago and eventually i grew out of that long and self-deprecating phase but even then i never really let myself immerse in unnecessary feelings anymore. i barricaded my emotions and steeled myself from having feelings that will eventually become the ruin of me.

i thought i would happier that way but i was wrong because after all the efforts and years it took me to mould myself to be who i thought i should be i was not any happier than i was before. i was even more confused and upset and so i played the blame game; i blame it on love and then i blamed myself for falling for the wrong guy(s) but it was not until recently that i realized i am to be blamed but it was not for the reason that i thought it was.

i did not fall for the wrong guy(s) because i realize that i didn't fall for them at all.

three years ago was one of the most difficult phase in my life. i was faced with one problem after another challenge and being the female that i was, i latched on the the nearest life saving buoy: knight in shining armor. i deluded myself into liking people whom i thought would be able to lift me up from all the loneliness and rejection that i was feeling and needless to say i was wrong and it's no wonder that none of those 'relationships' work out.

i thought i like them but the truth is i like the idea of them or specifically i like the idea of love. it was childish and very damsel-in-distress-like of me to do so but i would never reprimand myself for doing so because i did what i have to do. it was wrong of me but unless you're in my shoes you would not understand all that i have been through.

i don't exactly know why i'm justifying my actions here. maybe its because i feel the need to tell someone/everyone or maybe its just the need to admit my mistake publicly so that i wouldn't repeat what i've done.

but what i know for sure is that: after countless of depression that I've sunk into and millions of self-doubts that i've been through i have finally gone through that phase. yes, i still have moments when i doubt myself and moments when i'm not happy but these moments are getting lesser and less frequent in between.

i'm still sporting the scars and wound from that phase; scars and wounds that would never fully heal but would always be there to show me what i've been through and to keep me strong.


Lord Hamstera said...

i suppose in that sense all of us are haunted by our past, for every action we take now is probably an echo from the past..

cheers up, you have move on =)

Chia Hui said...

i agree that most of our actions are shadowed by our past and thanks for the comment! (:

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