Wednesday, February 5, 2014

I've got to be

As I'm typing this out, I'm engulfed by silence. The proverbial silence that many are afraid of. There are less than ten people in the library, I think, and this assumption soothes me. I relish this sort of comfortable noiseless environment. It thrills me and in turn I strive in it.

I function optimally in an atmosphere where my thoughts can reverbrate loudly through my mind; where there's no external sound that can distract me from them. This is why I love cooping up in my room. Where my only company is my feelings and thoughts. Maybe this is why overthinking and overanalysing are ingrained in me.

Maybe not.

This week is going to be a rough week and I have no idea how and if I will be able to pull through. In spite of the tough front that I've been putting up, I hate confrontations. Especially with those who are supposed to love and care for you unconditionally.

It baffles me, most of the time, how selfish and calculative people can be. I'm a sinner and I'll be the first to tell you that, I've done many things that I'm not proud of but even then, I don't think I can ever stoop as low as them.

During one of the housevisits this cny, I was complimented. I was told that "She's a tough one". And it got me wondering, "Is that how others are viewing me?" This offhand remark both excites and saddens me to be honest.

I brushed off the compliment demurely, like I was taught since young, when all I wanted to reply was,

"I've got to be. I need to be"


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