Monday, April 25, 2011

A pocketful of regret

Dear Ahma,

You were realistic and selfish even toward your own kin's; you were calculative and had done so many things that never would one imagine a mother would do. You had so many people despising you and frankly speaking I had grown up hating you until one point of my life when I had learned to love you instead. Yes you might not be the best grandmother around, heck you're not even an ordinary one to start with and you are definitely not the type of grandmother that I wish I had but I never wanted to lose you and definitely not this quick. Looking at you lying motionlessly on that bed I tried so hard to recall the last time I actually spoke to you and realize that it was a month ago and the words you told me was, "Bye. Come again next week," and I had nodded my head vehemently although I knew that I wasn't going to see you the week after because I would be working. I consistently blame you for not being the grandmother that I wanted but was I ever a good granddaughter to you? You took care of me when I stayed at your house and in return what have I ever done for you? I promised to take you out for dinner after I got my first salary but in the endless cycle of working and spending money on unnecessary things I never managed to do that. Even when you were admitted to hospital I only manage to visit you once and the moment I saw you suffering from stroke I couldn't even muster my courage to call you ahma because I was afraid that I would break down and now I wouldn't have the chance to call you anymore in the future; I wouldn't have the chance to tell you that I'm doing well in my studies; I wouldn't have the chance to bring my special one home for you to inspect and criticize; I wouldn't have a chance to be filial to you anymore because all I have is the regret that I wasn't good enough to you when you were still alive.



Kanmani Gobal said...

I am sorry for your loss. You are a good person. So stop beating yourself up for this. Know that waiting around to show someone your appreciation will not work - you have to do that instantaneously. I learnt that when my grandmother left us all when I was nine. Since then, I made a promise never to do that for anyone else. So, accept it, forgive yourself and move on and if it would make you feel better, start doing things differently; least for those around you.

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