Sunday, March 11, 2012

Our memories aren't that reliable.

i deactivated my facebook account last thursday.

why?

because i feel trapped. trapped in a circular cage where i have no corner to hide from the tentacles of my past that is enshrouding me in a cloud of misery. i feel suffocated whenever i log into facebook and the disdain and contempt that sprout from me were inevitable and bordering from unhealthiness onto insanity that it is the best for everyone if i just deactivate it.

i was going through my high school yearbooks last night and i felt numb; emotionless. looking through the pictures of where and whom i spent the five years of my life in and i felt nothing. not that i was surprised by my emotions or the lack of it because that's just who i am i have problem attaching myself to anything/anyone but that is another post for another time.

i never stick to anything or anyone long enough for me to develop feelings or the want of attachment to them but for a few rare cases in which i was sorely disappointed. i never missed anything from my past and i can assure you that there's ton of things there that others would have deem them worthy of reminiscing about but not me because i move on from people/places/things faster than you can blink an eye.

i'm a cold hearted bitch not because i have no feelings but because i feel too much.

and hence keeping my facebook account alive is like tying myself back to my past with chains and locks and then throwing away the keys. they say that life is like a book where each chapter is a phase in your life which will bound to happen and which will also eventually end. facebook is a phase that i have long overgrown from and yet never ended because i left the pages open and i felt that it's finally time for me to move on from that phase and so i deactivated it. i couldn't bring myself to delete the account because of the pictures that are in it but it's going to be eon before you see me activating it again.

2 comments:

Kanmani Gobal said...

On an unrelated note, cold-heartedness is sometimes related to people who are unable to express their emotions. I am, by way of that definition, in that category. But that does not, in any way, mean you have no emotions. Yes, I understand - your inability of attachment; I have that too, but I can tell you of a few things and people I won't want to let go. Think again :)

Marini Shariff said...

You don't have to discard your past in order to move on, even if it has meant nothing to you. Maybe you're depressed at the moment but you're looking at things from only one point of view. I think that sometimes you're too busy "finding" yourself that you look past what you have become and before you know it, you've missed out on a lot of things. Think in the present sometimes, not always in the future or in the past. Or better yet, just don't think x)

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