Saturday, February 18, 2012

how nothing's funny when its you

the first thing that pops into her mind when the page finally loaded was "thank god i'm sitting down!" it was a very uncharacteristically nonacademic thought about something so very academic that now that she thinks about it, it was pretty funny. except it wasn't that funny to begin with. she was suppose to check her results the day after the results were released. partly because she was going out with her friends on the day the results were supposedly released and partly because she was lazy and a little bit too sure of herself; after all a subject that she thought she was gonna flunk for sem1 finals was a subject that she actually got a high distinction for, hence her thinking that the same would occur again. unfortunately lady luck wasn't on her side this time around.

after a debate with her friends on the merit of checking her results immediately versus checking it the day after during the ride back from klcc, she decided to cave in to her curiosity.

while the page of her results was loading she could feel her heart palpitating furiously and composing a wild tattoo of havoc within her and when the drat thing finally loaded all she could think of was that she was grateful she was sitting down because she was sure that her knees would buckle under the pressure of disappointment that was coursing through her and then she rubbed her eyes once. twice. and thrice. then she returned her attention to the page again and realized that it wasn't a slip of the eyes that resulted in a damn alphabet and symbol sitting smugly besides two of her subjects.

and when the realization of the context of the actual reality of her results that were staring blatantly in front of her face finally dawned upon her, she flinched and recoiled into a mess of devastation. her thoughts and feeling were pirouetting so fast within her that she failed to latch onto any other thoughts and feelings other than 'ohmygosh' and desolation. suddenly she felt that she had lost something of vital importance to her that she wanted to wail out in anguish; she needed to vent out her disappointment and frustration before she literally breaks down and cry in front of all those unknown faces that were scattered around in the canteen.

but all she managed to do then in her state of mind was to mutter an 'oh' to no one in particular and drag her bruised and battered emotions back to her room to mourn in silence. she did not cry. she yearned to but she didn't let herself to because although she was reluctant to admit it; it was her fault that her results were in this state; it was because of her sheer procrastination and gaming addiction that brought her to this misery and because of that she wouldn't let a single drop of tears to fall. she wouldn't provide herself with a means of physical relief from her emotional pain because it was all her fault.

she was asked by several people what her results were but she was adamant not to tell anyone about it. she did not want anyone to tell her "ok what your's better than mine!" or to reassure her, "actually your cgpa is quite good." truth is, it isn't and them saying stuff like that will only serve to flatter her ego and divert her from her strive to score a perfect 4.00 gpa in the next several semesters because frankly that was what happened in the last semester and she didn't want it to recur again. and also because she knows what they will definitely say behind her back if she did decide to reveal her results. she knows that they wouldn't understand her reasoning because when it comes down to the core, no one can infer of her logic for the need of perfection.

p.s: for those of you who think that i posted the two related links to show off my 'excellent' academic results i beg to differ as i deliberately put those links in this post to remind myself how far i have fallen.


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