Saturday, June 2, 2012

'Cause you ripped me off, your love was cheap

I don't do love/crush/infatuation.

At least not anymore. Because I hate that feeling of vulnerability. That feeling of desperation in you, just to have a glimpse of him - even if it's just a passing glance; the happiness that bubbled up when you saw him and the dejection that overwhelms you when you don't. I also abhor how that one person will easily managed to crowd in on all your thoughts until all you could think of was him.

How he is there at the edge of your conscience when you decide what to wear, what to eat, what to talk about and what to do. It just spells pathetic. I'm not pathetic. I'm wayyyy over that stage and I don't want to go back there.

I don't want to go back to the old me where I would happily relinquish the power over myself to someone else, because I have grown wiser. I'm smart enough now to know that it's just plain stupid to hand over your heart and your emotions on a gold platter to someone else. Someone who can easily break them into millions over shattered pieces with just one of their cruel words or ignorant glance. Foolish isn't it? To depend your whole well-being on some stranger.

You guys reminded me that I'm won't be the only one to give over the hold on myself. That the other person would give me the same power over their feelings and heart too. But what if I'm the only one who cares? What happens when I fell for someone who don't fall back for me? Then wouldn't I be the only one who resigned myself to the endless heartache, sorrow and self-pity? What happens then?

I can tell you in vivid details what will happen, I'll become a shell of myself. One who mope around with my unrequited love. One who drains the happiness and joy of those around me. I would be so out of self-esteem that I will undeniably question myself every second of the day. And that is a self-deprecating phase that took years for me to crawl out from. 

And all that for what? A crush that will probably last a few weeks, but will damaged my confidence and happiness for years to come. Or a relationship that will last a few months but will morph me into a more insecure and damaged person than I already am.

Hence, I vow to not go back there anymore and yet you came, at the wrong time for all the wrong reasons. You  showed up when I was warned to stay away from this ludicrous game called love. You walked into my life when I'm already content and happy with everything else.

And worse of all, you evoke some dormant feelings in me that I never want to feel again. You might have -just might - have made me develop a minuscule crush on you and I hate myself for it because it scared the hell outta me.


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