Sunday, August 5, 2012

Sleeping beauty mayhap?

I sleep.

That's my coping mechanism during exam period. That is what I do when I'm too stressed out of striving for that lil bit more of perfection yet unable to just let it go. I sleep so that I don't have to be awake when my conscience kick in and hammers me with the millions of "No study, no 4.00 gpa." I sleep so that I wouldn't be consciously worrying about how my procrastination habit will ruin my attempt at finally scoring what I really need. And I sleep so that I will block out the clock in the back of my mind that is ticking away precious time.

That is just one of the nuances that made up who I am.

I still remember I struggled so very hard during secondary five. It's not with the subjects that I wage my battle with for it's often than not that I declared war with myself. For it is I and not others that often pushed myself away. During that time, I couldn't cope with the expectation that I was piling high up onto myself. I couldn't come to terms that it's okay if I don't make it and so I ran. The nearer it was to SPM, the farther I ran. When people around me were busy doing revisions on the eleventh hour, I was still reclining in my dreamland telling myself that "It's OK! I still have time."

When time is indeed the only thing that I'm running out of.

Finally, when I really got on to the fact that I don't have time anymore, I went full on panic mode. And sadly to say, I gave up. I gave up because it was easier to do so than keep on fighting. I let go of my goals because I had lost hope; an essence which had been seeping off me at every moment that I closed my eyes and drift off the stress-free land called dream.

However, if sleeping as a coping mechanism is a part of me than scoring infinitely better from the product of very-last-minute revision is another parcel of me too. Despite what others may say about how last-minute revision should be prevented at best and avoided at worse, it works fine with me. Maybe it's the adrenaline rush that is coursing through me when I only really study - at best - few hours before the paper. Or maybe it is finally the realization that time is indeed running out. Whichever it is, I find myself to score better when I procrastinate till the very last minute, be it exams or assignments.

Despite what I am perspicuously insinuating here, this is not a habit of mine that I'm particularly proud of. The reason is simple. Because I might not get that lucky every single time. Nobody can score a high distinction on every single paper that he or she studied only hours before the exam commencement. Nobody is that lucky for the universe is just not that kind.

And because of that simple reasoning itself,  I shall endeavour to buck up my result this time by not waiting till three hours before the exam to only start studying. But I will still continue to sleep if only so that I will forget all about my self induced stress even if it's an hour too many of superfluous sleep.


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