A noose seemed to have found a permanent home around my neck. Like a snake that has found its prey, it keeps wounding itself tighter and tighter, constricting the air passage, suffocating me.
It has come to the point where I need to remind myself to breathe; to inhale and exhale. In and out. I'm afraid that if I ever forget, the monsters lurking in the shadow will pounce and drown me in a sea of sorrow.
Without knowing when, I've morphed into a really good liar. One that can paint a smile and says I'm fine when I am not: haven't been for a while.
He advised me to just give it my best. But how do I go about achieving it? Is there any guidelines or manual book that I'm completely unaware of?
And most importantly, what if my best is not enough? What then?
Being told over and over again, by different people no less, that as long as I have given it my all, it is sufficient. When the truth is, it is not. I'm a greedy person; I will always want more, want better.
I know that he is afraid I might do something stupid. But what he doesn't know is that I'm too much of a coward to let everything go and yet too stubborn to just let it be.
'tis quite a quandary isn't it?
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