Saturday, September 28, 2013

Life can be unkind, but only sometimes

For years I had tried to justify every compliment that I received with denial.

A knee-jerk reaction to deflect the attention from me because I secretly believe that I don't deserve it or that the praise only come my way because of whatever relationship that I have with said compliment-er.

Isn't that sad?

You can flatter me in thousands of different way along the line of 'You have a pretty dress.", "Your writing is good.", "You're so smart" but the answer from me would only be a default one: "Nope. Not really. So-and-so is better."

I still sometimes do this and needless to say I cringe without fail whenever that happens nowadays. To let a cat out of the bag, so to say, it takes me a lot of self-restraint these days to just accept any compliment with a thank you.

Each thank you that comes out from my lips had to battle with millions of other self-deprecating comments of sorts.However difficult it is to croak out a simple thanks I'm still trying to make it a habit because I now know that I deserve it. That I'm not unworthy. That I deserve whatever extolment that I get. Call this conceited if you must but I can't care less anymore.

To me, this is a form of self-loving.

And so I would like to congratulate myself for this:

I've finally managed to achieve my goal of 4.00 and on the toughest semester. No words can even begin to describe how humbled I am for this achievement of mine. It has been five days since the release of this result and I'm still trying to grasp the fact that I have scored all As for my final and hardest diploma semester.

I can say without a doubt that this semester's result release date was the happiest but also the most nerve-wracking one that I have ever had, as my scholarship was on stake. In order to maintain the scholarship that I have been enjoying, I needed this 4.00.

It didn't help matter that I faced the toughest subject yet with 'Malaysia and International Relations'. With a syllabus akin political science that gives me not only the much needed mental-stimulation, it also gave me grief beyond belief. In fact, on the morning before I was to present my individual presentation on terrorism for this subject, I broke down and cried.

I sat in front of my laptop being besieged with sob after inconsolable sob

That was the only once in my academic life where I couldn't handle the stress and pressure. This episode eventually lead me to a conclusion that whoever who said that crying makes you feel better is lying. Big fat liar whoever you are. I didn't feel better after my crying spell, I only felt that I have wasted a good amount of time that could have been spent on rehearsing on something as futile as crying.

How does crying even help anyway?

And two weeks after that, I again came to another episode of anxiety attack because of the same reason. Due to some error, my written individual presentation had to be handed in on the same week as my group assignment. Imagine having to churn thousands and thousands of words on terrorism and Malaysia's Foreign Economic Policy.

I hold my lecturer and tutor of this subject in high regards but it doesn't change the fact that he's a tough one, and so a day before the due date I slaved for almost twenty hours in order to get the analysis done. And it came out horribly under par.

Oh, and did I mention that this subject has people failing in droves? Thus, it's not a surprise that nightmares start plaguing me - especially when other subjects are also difficult to tend with - that it drove my coping mechanism into a meltdown. I started getting terrified of sleeping because whenever my eyes were close I start getting dreams that send my what ifs amok.

Also, what makes matter worse is that I've already started to lose faith. I have wanted 4.00 more than anything but to be rational about it, I have never ever thought that I can actually attain it this semester. Whenever I envisioned myself getting it, it is always in the short semester where I have fewer and easier subjects to contend with. Hence when the last short semester come and go without a whiff  of it in trace, I didn't believe that I can accomplish it anymore.

Which makes me even more grateful for this. I'm immensely thankful that in spite of having to juggle college, work, assignments and shitty family drama I have finally made it.

Thus, you can't even begin to understand how much this 4.00 means to me.


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